BRB

I'm so bored everyday. Seeing my family is a good thing. But with no internet, no personal trasportation, summer heat and humidity, my old grandparents who would ask me the same question thousands of times but still couldn't remember what I've said, I really want to go back to Oregon, to be with my huhnee, to be in my world. It feels like killing myself when I have no connection with the outside. But I have no choice, after visiting home this time, who knows when will be the next time for me to come back agian.

Even though I'm away from blogging, I'm still writing my stories. When I go back to school, I'll post everything I've thought about and writen down and share it with you. Thanks for being with me, and please keep supporting me like you always do.

Miss you

A Special Journey

Here I am, at PDX again, waiting for my airplane to go "home". Home is a confusing word for me, because I have at least three homes around the world. Each of them has a very special meaning to me. Today, I'm going back to one of them, my first home, Beijing!

DWTX's mom took me to the airport today. I'm so lucky! We had a nice breakfast this morning too. Ahhh...

I feel weird today. Usually, when I go home to see my family, I would be super excited. But I don't really want to leave America this time (don't even think about "illegal immigrant" plz). I mean, my honie is here! I won't be able to see him for a month...um...that kind of makes me want to be a watermelon for a while...And I've lived here for quite a long time. People develop sense of belonging and emotions with a place after staying there for a long time, you know? hum...

Ok, that's enough ramble. I need to get ready to board later and see the Mom in a couple of days (I lose one day in the air when I go to Asia, isn't that suck? ^^)

p.s. The image is the extension part of Beijing International Airport terminal 3. It'll be done in 2007. When can I design something like that...?

What If

I think, the phrase “what if” indicates people’s imagination of things, which they understand, are not likely to happen. But we still keep dreaming, because imagination is beautiful.

So…

What if, when I was born, the nurse brought the wrong child to my parents, and I was supposed to grow up with some farmers that worry about food everyday, would I live a simpler and more peaceful life?

What if, in my 20s, like a normal Chinese kid, I grew up, got a college degree and worked my butt off for 200 bucks a month, would I settle down and not thinking about showing off myself?

What if, in my 30s, I had my baby girl, would I be sad that she would soon be another victim of the society? The world would put so much pressure on her; yet everyone tells her that women should be strong if she wants to survive.

What if, in my 40s, my marriage was falling apart, my husband didn’t even know my existence, and my child stopped calling me mother, would my heart break into pieces? Or would I already be so num since I’ve been always treated that way.

What if, in my 50s, my life finally ended for some reason, who would be so kind to be in my funeral? And if they came, who would shed a tear in front of my grave to fare me well on my way?

What if, I was never born… where would my spirit be? Wish God… hopefully…

堕落的天使

满屋子弥漫着烧焦了的牛排的味道，很想扔掉了，但是看看冰箱里已经没有其他能吃的东西了。算了，忍耐一下吞进去吧，至少这样不会饿。再添一个炸鸡蛋，安慰一下。。。

好冷。夏天已经消逝了吗？心像那块刚从冷藏室里拿出来的冻牛排，硬硬的，还不断地掉着冰渣。把她放在盘子里反复琢磨，是不是已经坏掉了？怎么那里有块黑黑的东西？大概放了好久了，不能用了。

“别，别仍掉我！”，当我正端着盘子准备丢进垃圾袋里，我听到一个微弱的声音乞求着。

“可是你已经坏掉了，留着你有什么用呢？”

“我没有坏掉，我是一颗心脏，一颗曾经活泼快乐的心脏。后来我的灵魂生了病，我便乞求上帝拯救我。于是他用他的光照我，但是总有那么一块地方总是黑黑的。神说那是我邪恶的角落，放弃邪恶我便可以恢复健康，我问他怎样才能放弃我的邪恶，他说，要相信他，在他创造人的时候就没有想把他们做的很完美，放弃那些对私欲的追求，便能发现灵魂的美丽。”

“那你显然是没有做到呀。。。”我送出同情的眼神

“是啊，我试了很多次，但是人们总是不给我机会，他们恐吓我，咒骂我，因为他们认为我不够完美。我变得越来越自卑，再也无法勇敢地说出我的真心话。我变成了一个懦夫，甚至觉得连神都要放弃我了。。。”泪水从心的身上流了出来，原来她的哭泣也是那么微弱。

我忽然觉得自己的身体里面被刺痛了一下，回忆慢慢浮现在脑海里。。。

。。。你现在越来越自私了，我知道你恨我，但是我也告诉你，我没有你这个女儿也无所谓！。。。
。。。我辛苦把你养大，你却这么跟我说话！我要你不得好死！。。。
。。。你怎么这么不讲道理！你要是再这个样子，我看我们还是不要交往了！。。。
。。。我为了你可以改变我的计划，你却连个早班巴士都不愿意坐！太让我失望了！。。。

“别说了！求求你们不要再说了。。。”我从回忆中惊醒，开始嚎啕大哭，“我不是天使，我做不到那么完美。为什么我有一点点错误，你们就用我最恐惧的东西来要挟我？！如果我伤害了什么人，我道歉，我重新来！但是有谁会来安慰我？神啊，我究竟要怎样你才肯来拯救我？！。。。如果这是像什么用电刑来叫猴子不要去偷香蕉的话，他们也早被驯服了呀，为什么人们总要一次又一次的揭我的伤疤哪？！”

“不要伤心，我明白你的感觉，我的主人也是经常这样说的，哦对了，忘记告诉你，她叫CiCi。”

“什么？”我俯下身摸了摸我的胸腔，空空的什么都没有。。。

空气里依然弥漫着烧焦了的牛排的气味，还有一个年轻女人撕心裂肺般的嚎叫声。。。