Out of the Jail

6pm, Tuesday, November 29th, with the ending speech from my studio professor, I’m finally done with my studio this term. I heard a long sigh from someone after the professor said “Congratulations, and you may go now.” It’s finished…finally.

Ya, it’s finally the time to walk out of the studio and breath some fresh air. During the thanksgiving holiday, I seem to loose track of time completely. Last night, I suddenly had a terrible thought that yesterday was actually the presentation day and I missed it and therefore failed my studio. I crazily dig into bunch of junks on my floor to find my planner. Whew, I was glad that was only my illusion. I was following my schedule really well and even finished earlier than everyone else.

The presentation went very nice and smooth. The first reviewer is always crappy (that just seems like a rule in the architecture school… you always think the first reviewer just like to say bunch of s**t about your project). And he is my building construction professor, which is the class everybody hates. I guess that helped to strengthen my belief that he’s a really crappy reviewer. But the rest of the 4 reviewers all gave me nice comment and very useful suggestions for my future design. I was actually supposed to have only 3 reviewers today. But 2 other teachers said to my studio professor that they were interested in my presentation. So my professor introduced me to them and let them give me an extra review. That surprised me but I was very happy about it. I thought, if it were a real project, there’d be more people interested in putting money on my design develop it and build it. I know for a young designer, we have to support and work on other’s idea and style for many many years. But someday, ONEDAY, a building will have my name on the wall as the president architect. I can make it happen.

Right now, I feel like all of my bones have been taken out of my body. I have no energy to do anything for the rest of the term. But it’s not the time to relax yet. I have two big presentations and two exams next week. I’ll still be stuck in my studio for a while. After that, I’ll have a real winter break! I’m really really REALLY looking forward to the holiday and a nice road trip with my close someone. The last trip we had together was during spring break last year. The memory is still fresh in my mind…hhee… But it’s time to renew the record ^^.

And I want to give special thanks to my close someone. I couldn’t have a successful presentation without him. He helped me so much with fighting through those depressing days. He always encourages me to be confident and positive. Thank you so much for everything, hon!

Ok, I need to shut up and go to bed now. I have a Japanese exam tomorrow. Jia You!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I just came back from a short road trip to Portland. DWTX and I went to meet his family for Thanksgiving dinner. Then, we headed to a restaurant bar to have some beer. We came back earlier than we planned because everything’s CLOSED for Thanksgiving. There’s really nothing much to do except walking in the rain. But I guess coming back early is probably better, since I have an extra half-day to work on my project (oh no…that’s not what I mean. Who wants to work during holiday?!).

I went to bed around 2:30 last night, after finishing a crappy color pencil drawing. Then, I woke up this morning with a crazy but funny dream. In my dream, DWTX and I was in a weird competition that we had to go through three rounds to be the champion. The first round was sitting on an office chair and letting a crazy little dog drag you through an enchanted forest. You have to grab on to the dog really tight and not falling off the chair because it runs super fast. The section round was going through a zoo where some poisoned snakes have been let out of their cages to hunt people. The snakes might come out anytime to bite you. And the third round was the most ridiculous one. DWTX and I had to go to several fast-food restaurants to search for the hidden treasure in their food. Anyways, we got the championship in the end. I imaged I woke up with giggling after that and almost fell off the bed (again).

The dinner today was really nice. There was nice food and nice chatting with DWTX’s family. But it makes me miss my family though. Especially during Chinese New Year, most of the family members get together and couple of days and welcome the New Year together. It was always so fun! Everyone usually gather at my grandparents’ house in the afternoon on New Year’s Eve. Then, we’ll have a biiiiiiiig dinner together. Everyone cooks their ‘master piece’ for the dinner. Usually I’ll eat till I can’t move anymore. Oh, I forgot to mention, before the New Year dinner, there’s a tradition in my family that all the direct family members have to greet our ancestors and ask them to protect everyone in the family for another new year. After the dinner, some people go to play Ma Jiang and others watch the New Year celebration show on CCTV1. When it’s almost 11:30pm, my mom and aunts will start to cook dumplings that we made during the pervious day. Then, we count down together and eat dumplings. Sometimes we put chocolate or candy in some dumplings and the person who got the ‘special’ ones will have a very good luck for the New Year. After finishing the food, my cousins and I will go out to play fireworks. We all have to stay awake till the sun comes up in the morning (That’s just a tradition for Chinese New Year, which is hard to explain).

Ok, Ok… Today’s Thankgiving… But why am I writing so much about Chinese New Year…Ehhh… Maybe I just miss it too much. In the end of this January, it’ll be the 5th Chinese New Year I miss. Home-sick-Ci…

Well, I’m staring at my drafting table and that crappy drawing on it again. Naaahh…I’m not going to touch it till tomorrow evening! I’m enjoying my holiday right now! Yeah!

Wan nan!

Keep Going, but How Far Can I Make It?

I’m so stressed out. Thanks giving holiday is coming soon, but I’m not happy with the break at all. I’m sure the days will pass so fast and dangerously I might not be able to finish my final presentation for studio. I’ll have a big test for building construction class tomorrow. I did lots of study but I’m still so nervous about it. I’m afraid it will be like the previous test of that class. The professor will ask bunch of stupid (as I’m typing this word, I typed it wrongly as ‘studio’..ahh! what am I thinking?!) questions and screw me up. After the test, I’ll have a Japanese Oral Performance test, which I haven’t really studied yet. I tried to read the sample dialog just now, but I kept spacing out. I got mad at myself and started to slap my face really hard. It hurts so much! But I still couldn’t concentrate. I went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I saw a ghost-like girl with ‘handprints’ on her cheek. It’s really light marks but I still can see it. Hopefully it’ll go away when I wake up tomorrow.

The slapping reminds me my mom. I remember when I got a bad grade in school and pissed her off, she would beat me really hard on my butt or arms. Sometimes there would be red marks left on my body. But I didn’t mind it that time. I thought they were as cool as tattoos. As time went by, I started to hate those memories more and more. I felt my mother humiliated me. But I couldn’t help imitating from her. I always get mad at myself because I thought I could do things better. Then, I started to ‘punish’ myself like my mother did. It didn’t make me feel better though. I just felt I dissevered the ‘punishment’.

My mother is a very smart and curious woman. But the problem is she only believes what she thinks the truth is and she has a really good memory only on ‘bad things’. That makes her so annoying to others and looks like a stupid woman who only has one nerve in her brain. I start to be afraid that I would be just like her one day. There’re things that keep bothering me and I just can’t get them out of my brain even though I tried so hard. I can forget about them for a while, but once I see something relating to them, it comes back to my mind again. Like those screen savers on the computer in the other bedroom, I feel they can make my blood flow backwards. But why, I ask myself, why bother? Can’t I just let others have their own lives? I’ve made ‘the other’ having nightmares. Haven’t I ruined enough? I feel so disgusting about myself. Sometimes I wish I could have some medicine for brainwashing… Or maybe I should just beat myself more…

My stomach is so empty. I don’t know if I would be able to fall asleep, but whatever… let’s just make a big bloody mess.

Dark Window

Sunday morning, I woke up from the cold air sneaking into my room through the corner of my window. I turned the clock towards me…Ahhh, almost 10:45. Another cold and depressing Sunday has started.

Section, elevation, perspective drawings, model, urban context, and building construction… My little friends came to say ‘morning’ to me as soon as I open my eyes. “Hey, morning. Just give me several minutes to wake up ok? Then I’ll go to play with you guys.” I sat up and stared at my drafting table. The half-done elevation drawing is complaining to me that I haven’t given her a nice looking outfit yet. I opened my curtain for a gap to see through it. As I expected, there’s no sunshine. Everything looks dead. I’m not color blind, but things outside my window seems like a picture that has been switched to grey scale in Photoshop.

My close someone is taking a shower. That means I can still stay in my bed for another 10 minutes. I swing my head back into the pillow and pull the blanket over it. It’s Sunday anyway…

I went to a lecture given by a black bird architect last Friday. He said, the most important thing during design process is to make the project complete. Even if you don’t like your design, make it to the end and give it a complete personality. So, I’m struggling on the way of completing the project. One more week, it’ll be a new ‘independent person’.

I believe the color will be back to the dark window. Just be patient, and keep hoping.

freezing 8am

I started this post long time ago, but didn't have time to finish it completely. So, I ended up adding little pieces to it everyday. It becomes a "report of the week"...
......................................................
Tuesday...
I just came back from a field trip for my building construction class. Better than last time, I was able to get a ride to the site this morning and joined the group on time. Thanks to David (aka the Mr.Usagi), I didn't have to ride my bike to the Duck's village and being a frozen-Ci.

I woke up early this morning, like 5am, after having a crazy dream. I dreamed I had to deliver a cheeseburger (A cheeseburger? Was I that hungry?) to a weird place, which I had no idea how to get there. The destination was so far away from the house where I picked up the cheeseburger and the client requested me to drive his car and drop it off with the burger there. Btw, I still don't know how to drive...hhee...So I started my journey with wondering around the area and tried to ask for directions. Then, I saw these tiny creatures that look like the mushroom head in Mario on the street! As I was hesitating about whether I should ask them for direction, they came to me and said "Hello, stranger, follow us". Surprisingly, these things ran super fast! I had to chase them alone the road crazily. But in the end, I managed to deliver the burger and I didn't make any damage to the car. Whew!

After I finished my classes, I went to Subway to get a big sandwich. I guess the girl working there was just too tired that she gave me back $5.99 in cash when I gave her my card to pay for the sandwich. Hum... now I'm thinking I should just take that money and run away, hhoooo...

I went back to school for a review section later in the evening for a big test in Spatial Composition on Thursday. It was INTENSIVE. We had to go over notes from 15 lectures and readings in 90 mins. I'm so nervous about this test right now. It counts as 35% of our final grade for that class. Wish me good luck!

Wednesday...
I'm in my studio right now. I don't know where the heck my teacher is. But I'd rather prefer she's not interrupting with my drawing process right now. And my building construction teammate took away my student ID for printing. I couldn't find him in the studio to get my ID back. How can I take the bus to go home tonight? Ehhhh...nnNNnn!

Later in the evening...
I had to do a sketch model for Spatial Composition class that's due tomorrow (Ya! I had to do review for the test of the same class too!). The assignment was to turn a random 2-D drawing into a building. I stared at the drawing I got for more than an hour, but I had no idea how to do it. The drawing was so blur and it didn't make any sense to me. Whatever, I just need to get this done! DWTX was so nice to me. He stay with me till 1am and read the review material for me while I was doing the model. We finally stopped doing it because I couldn't do two things at the same time. I kept making mistakes in the model. But at least the reading was helpful for me. I was able to use some of the stuff in the test. Thx hon.

Thursday...
I woke up around 9am to study for the test (btw I went to bed 3:30 last night). I had a headache and I was dizzy. But I had to force myself to concentrate on the review. That didn't feel good at all.

I was so tired the whole day. I couldn't remember what I did except the test. I did all the questions, wrote lots of stuff and drew some nice diagrams on the paper. I think I did okay. But, whatever. I'm done.

I came home as soon as I finished my classes and went directly to my bed. I took a super good nap! But the stress didn't go away at all. I had to speed up my pace on doing the final presentation for studio. I'll have another big test next Tuesday for Building Construction and an Japanese oral performance test right after it. I'm so sick of the school right now. Staring at my drawings could make me vomit. I just realized that the studio final presentation is on the Tuesday after Thanks Giving holiday. That means the holiday is a crazy-working period for me instead of a study break. TAO YAN!!

My right shoulder is killing me these days ‘cos I’m doing drawings on those super tall drafting tables all the time. There’s no other way to deal with it. I just have to bare the pain. It gave me hard time to fall asleep last night even I massaged it for a long time. Ehhh… I’m dying…

Friday...
I'm in my studio again, trying to finish this post and publish it. I'm hungry...

The goal for today:
-Finish 1/8" floor plan
-Do 1/4" sections (2)
-Do 1/8" elevations (front&back)
-Maybe I'll do a 1/32" context drawing. I hate doing urban context drawing...
-many many perspective drawings... I mean, thaaaaaaat <((>.<))>many...

wan nan~

61 pages

It’s Saturday night, another night when I mentally refuse to close my eyes and get some rest. I guess it becomes my way to celebrate weekend now. Weekend is really nothing special for me except I don’t have to worry about getting up early in the morning and chasing the bus to go to school. I never go to parties or hang out with friends on weekends (maybe that’s a typical American college life?). Homework and projects are like huge metal chains wrapping on my neck. If I dare to move only an inch to anywhere, they’ll choke me to death.

The preparation for last Friday’s studio presentation just sucked up all my energy. I felt I was going to pass out as soon as it was finished. The professors kept us in the presentation room till 5:30 that evening to talk about our progressions. They assigned us a schedule for the remaining time till final presentation day. I took a glance at the schedule…façade design, structure layout, material usage, interior perspectives, model…blah blah blah… “Whatever, I’m done today” I whispered to myself. As soon as the “boss” (our professor) announced presentation’s over, people stormed out of Lawrence Hall like hurricane.

I wondered around the school, didn’t know where to go. DWTX went to Portland. There’s no point for me to go home and cook for myself in that freaking cold kitchen. So I called my old roommate and met with her and other two friends of hers in the Orange Café. We chatted a little bit about our lives. But soon I figured we don’t have a lot common ground to continue the conversation. So I withdrew from the talk and became a listener. I like to observe people, especially their eyes. The expression in their eyes tells me what kind of person they are. Like my old roommate and her friends, I don’t want to say who’s good or who’s bad, but I feel they’re thinking about serious life issues with a really unrealistic perspective. I guess many foreign students in the States have had similar kind of dreams (like money would drop from the sky and fall into your pocket). Once they wake up from the dream, they would be facing a great pain from expecting too much while putting in so little effort. A friend of my close someone joked that since my name means all of my dream will come true, I can make all his dreams come true as well. But actually, my name Si Cheng (think-succeed) is really emphasizing on the word “think”. It means if I don’t have any desire and refuse to put in any effort, I won’t have any success. When my grandfather gave me the name, he was expecting me to achieve my goals from considering the situation thoroughly and trying everything within my ability. I think the name fits my personality very well. Maybe that’s why I’m driving myself crazy in this ARCH program. I believe I can be a good architect. I will prove it.

Many memories came back to me today, all good ones. I took out the CD my high school music teacher made for me when my classmates and I went to Manila for a music competition. I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw my pics as a high school student with travel uniforms. It was just two and a half years ago, but it feels like a long time. I remember when I was in Manila, me and another Japanese girl (something Ko, I forgot) stayed in a student’s house. The host family’s last name is Ferrari (they are French)! And it was the first time for me to see a Japanese girl without make-up at night…gosh that was scary~. Later this evening, me and DWTX went to a small hill in Eugene where we can see the night scene of the town. It was rainy and cold there, but our hearts was warm. We recalled the time when he took me there for the first time. I’m sure I blushed when…oh well, he knows what I said… hhaaa…ennNNnn…I checked the length of my journal, 61 pages! I started it almost a year ago after I met DWTX. I wonder how many pages don't have any C-D stories. I'm not sticking to him all the time like a piece of tape...it's just that he's a very important and special part of my life. I don't know what to do if this part is taken away from me.

I realized this morning that I have no clean socks to wear anymore. Then I remembered I haven’t do laundry for two weeks (eewwww~>.<). So I did my laundry and FOLD them right away! I cleaned my room, did some readings and cooked. That was my achievement today. Good night!

Another presentation tomorrow

I finished my drawings earlier than I thought today. Actually it’s because I was really tired both mentally and physically, and I decided to give up some of the details I was going to put on my drawings and model. But the whole thing still looks good. I think what I have for now is more than enough for the presentation tomorrow. I’ve done a good amount of work during the week. Now, it’s show time!

The lobby of the ground floor of this Jazz music center still looks like a toilet bowl in the floor plan. It looks more like a double layer birthday cake in the model, which makes sense…you eat food (take a 3-D form object), digest it (analyze it with parti diagrams), and finally it goes into the toilet (there’s your floor plan~)…right…? Hheeee… I’m just BS ing. It means I’m really tired and I can’t think straight right now.

I suggested a girl in the Chinese Church I used to go to come to my Spatial Composition class since she’s really interested in architectural design theories. I can see that she’s really enjoying the class. In fact, she’s way too excited about it. She likes to sit beside me to look at how I take notes (we need to do lots of drawings in this class). I can hear her talking to herself all the time, like “oh that’s great!” “wooohhh, that’s really interesting”. I start to regret about taking her to the class. Her murmuring has become so annoying to me and other people sitting next to her. I’ve tried to ask her to stop doing it, but I guess she just got so used to it. She intentionally stops for a while and starts murmuring again. Maybe for the next class I should bring some tapes with me, so that I can stick her mouth together when she starts talking to herself.

That lady also asked me to play piano for her next Wednesday for their praying meeting. I was surprised when she asked though. Hey lady, can’t you see I’m so busy right now? I even fell asleep in the class today. You heard in the class that we’ll have a big exam next Thursday and you’re asking me to play piano for you the night before the exam…well… do you think that’s possible? Um… actually, if you can stop coming to this class and bothering me with your talking or chewing food, that’ll be G-R-E-A-T. Thank you!

I’ve stopped going to that Chinese church since I came back to school in fall. I feel that church is a very strange Chinese community. They like to help each other, but they’re touching too much of the private part of each other’s life (I’m too nice to describe them that way… they’re just so gossip). Actually, it’s not only that church the whole Chinese community in UO is kind of weird. The strong ‘Chinese-ness’ of these people makes them very hard to fit into the American society. I’ve been trying to avoid get in contact with them because I know they’re not going to welcome me anyway. I don’t have the standard ‘Chinese-ness’ they require. Imagine if I go back to China after graduating, I would soon be drove crazy living in that weird world…

K, need to go to bed now. Good night, and wish me good luck tomorrow!

Midnight Visions 2

Woohoo… It’s almost 3:30am. I mean… again! I haven’t finished my homework yet, but… who cares. I’ll get some sleep and finish the model later in the morning.

The floor plan of my design is getting more and more crazy as I keep coming up with ideas to make it “beauuuuuuutiful” (that’s the word my professor says all the time). Since I’m designing a jazz music center in Portland and I thought music is such a free form thing, my building should not be one of those “lunch boxes” I designed anymore. It should contain more curves. Yeah, curves and circles… I love them. In the end, the music center starts to look like a toilet bowl to me. Oh well, that’s great, ‘cos I feel like that dark brown thing in the toilet bowl right now. I don’t mind if I can’t have enough sleep as long as I know what’s expected from my teacher. But I hate it when the school just gives me a ‘to-do’ list that’s impossible to finish and tell me to do whatever I can. So if I have nothing for the next studio, will you fail me, professor? If I finished everything but you can’t manage to talk to me about them due to your unorganized schedule, can I go to the dean and tell her to fire you? I like playing games, but where’s the rule?

Ok… Ok… calm down CiCi… It’s almost 4… go to bed.

“You can never learn anything that’s not part of yourself”
The person who said this is one of my favorite architects, Louis Kahn.
Is the madness of architecture a part of me? I’m still trying to figure it out…

"B+" is enough

Ehh… it’s mid-night again. I know I really shouldn’t stay up so late, but I just love the nighttime so much (as I’m writing this, my close someone comes in to tell me to go to bed). I can’t stop my mind from spinning and coming up with all kinds of crazy thoughts. Well, they’re not freaky kind of crazy idea, it’s just I don’t normally think like that during the daytime, when I consciously behave myself as a character I designed for the “me-in-public”.

So, here’s the weirdness for tonight:

It’s just an imagination, if our lives are like the exams we take in school, and then someone’s going to give grades to us. I don’t care about who’s giving the grade. I’m just wondering what score do you want to have?
“Oh, definitely an ‘A’, maybe an ‘A+’ if I’m lucky, but ‘A-’ is the minimum for sure”, the “me-in-public” says confidently.
“Well, maybe a “B+” is enough. I don’t HAVE TO be out-standing right? I think I can have a pretty happy life with a “B+”. Hahaa…” (Excuse me, that’s the “night-spirit-me”)

I guess everyone has hard times in his or her live ‘cos no one’s perfect. So, why would I let my down time bother me so much? I shouldn’t try to think about them over and over again and eventually, they’ll be forgotten one day.

Whose parents don’t fight? I know many people around me whose parents have divorced. For those who haven’t sign the paper, maybe fighting means they love each other. But anyways, I’m not part of my parents’ battle. I walk away if they turn into monsters. The formula is just that simple- they’re peaceful, I stay, they’re violent, I leave. They’ll never hurt me if I don’t care. And when I go to visit them, we’re still happy to be together as always, or at least pretend we are.

For school, I really shouldn’t complain about how much homework I get to do. I mean, I chose to be an architect. So this is the workload I should have. I’m not the only one that’s suffering. The entire school of architecture is on the same schedule. Who goes to parties on weekends… maybe we have it once or twice a year after the final presentations? And, isn’t the light in studios always on at night? People are all working hard, I’m not alone. At least half of us got into the department during our 2nd year. That means, many people are trying to finish the 5 year program in 4 years. So taking 19 or 20 credits per term is really not that special. My friends are all doing it. Don’t panic if I can’t finish those boring readings or get a bad grade on one project. It happens to everyone. Just try to do better next time.

I have a really sweet special someone. I’ve never seen any guy as gentle and thoughtful as him. Don’t be too greedy. When I think he didn’t consider me enough, I should think about if I have done enough for him in the first place. I’m a girl doesn’t mean he should bear me all the time. If I’ve done something wrong, I need to say sorry. I have a bad example in my head to remind me that I don’t want to be like her. Being understanding and honest never make you a looser.

Ok, it’s too late. I need to shut up now. Good night.

Midnight Visions

It was totally dark outside when I finally finished the report for structure class. My stomach has complained to me for a long time since I haven’t fed it the whole day. My teammates set up another meet at 7:45 tomorrow morning to revise the report. I can’t believe that these people have so much energy and enthusiasm on a stupid structure project. “Whatever…” I said to myself, “you need to go home to dig your fridge for some food right now, CiCi”. I stormed out of my studio as soon as my teammates said ‘alright, let’s meet tomorrow!” I smelled cheeseburger and French fries in the hallway.

I was several minutes late for the bus. So then, I had to walk back home. It just stopped raining. It was freezing cold outside. I noticed even though I tried to walk faster, the street in front of me didn’t seem to move closer at all. My pants felt like tapes that bind my legs together…I was too tired. More then 10 hours of studying in classes and working on projects with less than 5 hours sleep is something more than enough to turn me into a ghost. While I was on the way home, I kept imagining a car hitting me and running right over my head. My projects and tests would be gone right away! Yeah! (just joking)

After 25 minutes of walking, I could finally saw the lights in Spancer View. I managed to poke my key into the door and opened it. My special someone was preparing to leave and study in the library. “Hey, I’m home” I didn't even rise my head. I headed to my room directly.

The door to my room was closed. But… How come? Even though I didn't have much sleep, I swear I remember the door was completely open this morning when I left the apartment. With a weird feeling in my head, I opened the door… Woo… A candle was lighted up on my desk. My room was filled with aroma from the candle. Ohh.. wait wait… there’s something under the candle! I turned on the light and found a CD and a note for me!

“11/1/05 for my CiCi. P.S. your lunch is in the fridge”

“aaayyyyaaa!!” I screamed, jumping into DWTX’s room. I was so happy that I didn’t even know what to say. The surprise totally waked me up from the dizziness after a long busy day. And I don’t need to dig into my fridge anymore. The DW sandwich (yup, it’s a special taste sandwich that my honey makes every time) is right there, waiting for me to chow it down.

After he left, I took out the CD and started to listen while eating the DW sandwich. That was my best time of the day. There was even a song that I used to listen to over the radio when I was in high school in Beijing. I felt like I was on the bus 937 going back home on the Friday afternoon again. Thanks hon, the CD is really good~

Now, I have to drag my mind back from luxury to the reality. Homework, homework, homework…ehhhh… Jia You!