Ah...Those Days...

I’m really sleepy right now, so I’ll make it short today.

As I was digging through my old junks for some phone number of my relatives in California, I came across with the planner I used in my freshmen year (oh, and some stamps I thought I’ve lost for a long time). The planner was more like a diary for me. It was probably that time I started writing too. Maybe DWTX was right; digging through old stuff is fun. I was sitting on my bed, reading the journals and laughed at how a silly little girl I was that time. Well, I know I’m still in the process of getting more grown-up, but I realized my 18-22 was a big jump. I guess I was in such a hurry to experience everything new when I just came to US. I just got out of the protection of my parents and I thought I was ready to show how “able” I was. By the way, let’s just say that my parents was protecting me, even though I see it more like harm and humiliation now. When I was 18 or 19, I though I knew exactly what I want. I thought I understood everything, like the people and the relationships between them. I was trying to follow my feelings to make decisions everyday. But as I was reading my planner today, I actually saw a very confused girl in the writing. She couldn’t make up her mind if she just wanted some friends or she wanted a relationship. She went back and forth between her little thoughts, but couldn’t just back off few steps to see the big picture behind everything. For example, one day she thought she really hated this guy because he always made fun of her in front of her friends, the next day he got her back easily by giving her a wild flower he picked up on the sideway. Yes, she was silly, but she was only 19. After all the harsh lessons, she learned the difference between ideal and reality.

The journal on my computer has grown to 85 pages. Maybe this thing will just keep going till the day I stop thinking. These pages are very different from the few lines I wrote everyday on my planner. They are records of the development of my personality and the understanding towards love, family and career. Thanks you Lord, for giving me such a wonderful life and point me the direction when I was getting lost.

Silly PS photoes

So, I haven't post any thing for while. School was flipping me up-side-down everyday. I sort of lost the track of time. Just find something to eat or go to sleep whenever I feel I have to do so. But at least I'm still alive. That's enough for me to feel very lucky.

This weekend has been really boring. I'm staying at home alone while everyone else is having fun somewhere with friends. Sometimes you just feel nothing working. I wanted to do laundry but I ran out of quarters. So I decided to make my room as messy as I can. I was quite successful on that.. On Friday I was trying to get some rum or vodka to make a drink for myself. Well, you gotta treat yourself good when no one else cares a s*** about you. I wasn't trying to get drunk, but just a little buzzed to stop my brain from thinking too much. Then I realized that it's so pathetic that I can't drive. Within walking distance, there's not a single FRINKIN' liquor store around. On the way back home, I tripped on a big crack on the concrete pavement. Luckily I had my bread to protect me...poor bread.

So, I tried everything to entertain myself. I watched at least 10 episode of Seinfeld, 5 episode of WuLinWaiZhuan (a Chinese drama), countless videos on Youtube, read all the posts I can find on Chinaren and finally I did this Photoshop picture to kill time. If I were in Beijing, at least I could go out since the public transportation is really convenient there. Ya...every time when I came back from home, I started to miss it so much. You know why? Becuase my vacation was always wasted on some WWIII of my family. Summer holiday has always been the time that most is likely to drive me crazy. So, next time I'm just going to "sneak" back home. I don't ever want to see or talk to those b***ches again. If I were allowed to kill people, I've already been sent to orphanage 6 years ago. I don't believe in people's promise anymore. They just use them to fool you, get it?

Anyways, here're the pics.

Good good study, day day up!

The weather is getting cold and trees are changing colors. My vision feels like it has been added a reddish golden color filter in Photoshop. I just realized I’ve been back to US for a month. One of my friends used to say that after passing the age of 21, time just flies. Maybe it’s true. I have so many things to do, but never have the time to do them.

School has started 2 weeks ago. I’ve already had my first “all night long” working experience. I admit that I sort of waited till the last minute to do this structure project. But, at least I finished it with the best model I can make. Maybe this will be the toughest year of the program. Whatever it is, I’ll have to learn to deal with it somehow. Every time I’m stressed out about my school, I tell myself that I either choose to quit, or keep going. Of course I always choose to keep working till I pass out. I’ve gone so far. If I quit, I’ll have nothing. But if I at least try to keep going, I’ll get some clue of the next step. Right? I mean…right?

I was really sick last week. I had cold for a week, and was coughing my lung out. With tons of homework lying in front of me that time, I thought I was going to die. I was so homesick. I remember some day during the week; I was hiding under my blanket and didn’t have any energy to move. I heard my roommate was chopping something in the kitchen and cooking. The sound reminded me that my mom always makes me the best food when I was sick. I like to lie on the bed and listen to her chopping vegetables in the kitchen. I would fall asleep like that and she would wake me up after my food is ready. Back to real life, my dinner for that night was actually cereal. The cold milk made my stomach want to spit everything out. I cried. It was the first time I felt living by myself could be very difficult. And after a very long time I start to feel I really miss my parents again.

I’m still getting use to seeing my someone only once a week. It’s really hard for me since we shared an apartment last year. We used to see each other everyday. Even though I was very busy, at least I knew he’s somewhere near me. I could always go to his room and ask for a hug or something when I needed some cheering-up. I always felt safe. Right now, I have to train myself to think that no matter what I’m going through, I’m on my own. No one will stay up with me when I have big projects or wrap the blanket around me when I’m sick. I need to be more independent. My someone is very busy with his job and he needs to have some time alone to relax. I understand all the logic, but it’s really hard… I really miss him… 2 years could pass by as I blink my eyes. But for now, it seems so long, so far away…

Ok, that’s enough rambling for now. Time to go to bed. Wan an. I will survive.

我的香格里拉

人们常说，神在关上门的时候，又在别处开了窗。可是，那扇为我开启的窗又在什么地方呢？在黑暗中不停地摸索着，却总是回到某个似乎熟悉的地方，永远找不到方向。

我一直被陷在几个没有答案的问题里，或许如果我不去想它，就自然而然的走出来了。但有时候人就是喜欢在做了荒唐到不能再荒唐的事以后又尝试找出其中的逻辑，最后只能让自己越来越痛苦。现在才发现，原来面对现实是这么困难的一件事，因为太多人都活得太不真实了。我经常有种像是被从梦中惊醒的感觉，仙境也好，梦魇也好，醒来总是一切都物是人非，觉得再一次被捉弄了，觉得一切都是骗人的。久而久之，我真的不知道还该不该相信什么了。我明白应该相信神对我的眷顾，但是他什么时候才能指给我我的香格里拉在什么地方？那个给我安全感，给我“家”的感觉的地方。

我隐约还记得，“家”曾经是我最珍贵的东西，好像还记得那种回到家去寻找避风港的感觉。现在我已经不知道家究竟是个什么东西了，它是个让我想起来就浑身发抖的地方，是个我一回去就会爆发地震海啸的港口。我常常站在那个门口挂着“收容所”的地方发呆，怀疑是不是踏进去了又会被强暴或是被抢得一干二净。尽管人们一次次地向我承诺不会再有不愉快的事发生，然而不是每次都是把我伤害到体无完肤的地步以后又装作什么都没发生一样吗？我的眼泪永远都是白流的，在他们为我拭干以后又会变本加厉的侮辱伤害我，还会反过来把所有的罪过都加在我头上。我的心永远都是白碎的，只能在暴风雨暂时平静以后自己一片一片从废墟里找出来粘好，再等待着下一次灾难的来临。在别人眼里我总是脆弱无能的，是不可理喻的。他们瞎了聋了吗？难道听不到看不到自己的所作所为吗？为什么大家都这么自私呢？

我和她通了２个小时的电话，但是我一点解脱的感觉都没有。我真的很迷茫，她认错了，难道这不是我想要的吗？但是我真的不愿意相信任何承诺了，我的家在５年前就消失了，再也回不来了。她总是说很多话不是认真的，不会有很严重的后遗症。但是当我想像那些翻过１４楼阳台或者跳到地铁里的瞬间的时候，我真的不认为我只是在“想着玩”。我并不想证明我成熟了或者我是清白的，我只是想结束我的迷惑。那个男人和那个女人，那种游戏，以后我们真的只能用那种欺骗自己的游戏来维持我们之间的关系了。

我还在继续寻找我的香格里拉，那扇上帝为我开启的门。

Words from my grandpa

This is my grandpa's writing, which he showed to me when I was in Beijing. He agreed that I can put it on my blog to share it with my readers. Hope you will like it.
..................................................

Dr. Hu-shie once had written, "I was asked by someone, 'Referring the question of love and marriage, what is the difference between the Westerners and Chinese?" I said to them, "The main difference is that, the Westers always make love at first then get married, while Chinese are the revers. They used to get merried first then love each other as long as they live." Such as saying might be suspected as the emphasizing of the concept of matrimonial monopoly by parents. However, families formed like thus in China have long been existing. Generally speaking, when people fall in love, they used to be attracted by the beauty or merits of the opposite party, as the Chinese proverb says, "in the eyes of a lover, Xi-Si (the most beautiful Chinese woman) appears." When the lovers get married, things go on may no be so smoothly as expected. Family conflict may arise here and there at any time. If these conflicts can not be settled promptly, their future prospect may not be so joyful. So, when people falls in love, no matter whether it lies before or after marriage, the key point is that, love must be endurable for life. This is our view-point concerning love and marriage.

As for our own case, our matrimonial union belongs basically to the Chinese old style. Our "love at first sight" lasted only a few weeks, while our married life extended as long as 70 years. According to our experience, married people want to be long living in harmony, they need to follow:
First of all, they must respect and trust each other.
Secondly, never pursuit those wealth and positions that is beyond one's ability, and never lose their self-respect when they are ill treated.
Thirdly, their altitude toward their children should be openly and fair.
That's all we could suggest.

Perhaps a set of brief statistics will tell how we have been getting along for these seventy years.
1. The family had moved 26 times.
2. The total mileage we had taken for family moving amount to 18,200km.
3. Our eldest daughter Lu-hua had attened 7 primary schools.
4. We had endured as "The Best family for 22 years.
5. 13 babies were born to this family.
6. 23 kinsfolk, mostly of the past generation had left this world.

There was a small temple called "The Old Man Under The Moon" on the hillside of the South Mountain, Hangchow. It says,
Heartily wish all lovers in the world to become husbands and wives at the end;
Don't let slip the lucky matrimony that had been matched in the Divine World.

Possibly, we are the pair that had been matched in the Divine World beforehand. Aren't we?
........................................................

I've never seen this "romantic" side of my grandpa before ^^. He's 93 right now and my grandma is 90. Wish they are happy together forever.

ps, I just graduated from high school in that pic... ehhhh... donno what to say... my friends used to call me piggy...

Days in Beijing

I’ve been back to Eugene for a week, and now is the time to write about my trip. I can’t remember every detail, but I’ll try my best to show you some interesting stories happened around me. Are you ready to travel with me?

After finishing my 3rd year Japanese classes in summer, I flew a long way across the Pacific Ocean to go back to my hometown, Beijing. The first impression I had after getting off the plane is…HOT! It was so hot and humid there and I felt hard to breath. Luckily I have air conditioner at home. Oh, my lovely cooler…I just need to simply push the button and it brings me right back to spring. Ho ho ho…

I woke up really early the next morning because of jet lag. So my mom took me to the breakfast place where I use to go when I was little to have the REAL Beijing style breakfast. My favorite food is called “Tofu brain”. Yes I know, it sounds scary, and I don’t know why people named it that way (it doesn’t look like brain at all). But it’s really yummy! It feels as smooth as silk and it melts in your mouth right away. Hummm… hungry… I had lots of good food in Beijing, from restaurant to home cooking stuff. I tried to taste everything I could think of to bring back my sense of flavor. It worked pretty well for most of my time spent in Beijing. But in the end I had to pay a big price for it, which I’ll tell you about it later in this post.

I was surprised to see that there’re so many people from else where coming to Beijing to look for jobs. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing though. Definitely, these people work very hard to own their livings. But Beijing is much more dirty and noisy than before. When I took buses to go to downtown, there’re always some people eating or talking really loud on the bus. I can tell from their accent that they’re not local. One day when I was shopping for clothes in a mall for small merchandise, I almost got kidnapped by a middle-aged woman! I was looking at some earrings and suddenly a sweaty hand behind me reached over to grab my arm. A woman with southern accent asked me complete some survey for her. Without me giving her permission, she started to drag me toward the elevator. She said we need to go to the second floor. As I was refusing her, I saw four guys standing by the elevator, nodding head to this woman. “What the F is going on?!” I pushed her away really hard and ran away. I could hear she was swearing at me, but who cares. It really freaked me out. Another time, I went to meet one of my friend’s sister. On the way back home, the bus had some mechanical problems. So we had to get off the bus and wait for the next one. As I was waiting with the crowd, I noticed a guy was always looking at me from several feet away. I tried to walk around to stay away from him. But he was following me everywhere! Finally, another bus came, and I managed to stay away from that guy. He wasn’t from our bus and refused to pay for the ticket. So he was kicked out of the bus right away. Ha! From then on, I never dare to go out by myself anymore. No matter how much my mom or dad complains, I always drag them with me everywhere.

I didn’t go to many places in Beijing. Most of the old buildings are under reconstruction. I went to “money box” to sing karaoke with my cousins. It was fun. I wish I could do it more. I also went to hang out with some old friends too. Knowing they’re all doing well, I felt really happy. But, my English teacher got stomach cancer. It was so shocking for me to hear about it. I meant to call him, but I was sick myself that time. I hope he can survive, or at least be happy everyday like he used to. He was really nice to all of us in high school. We all believe that he deserve to have a good life no matter where he would be. Talking about me being sick, maybe I ate too much in Beijing, I got enteritis and had to have IV for 2 days. I scared my parents because once I ate something I would vomit in no more than 15 min (not to mention the diarrhea). I think I’ve lost some weight since then because I couldn’t eat normally. I’m fine right now. I went back to my normal diet, but still being careful of what I’m eating. Ehhh… hungry…

My most memorable moment for this trip was when my parents saw me off at the airport. Mom said she’ll miss me a lot and she apologize for not being nice sometimes. They both hope when next time I visit home, it’ll be a happy trip for me. “Remember you always have a home to go back to” I couldn’t help crying when I heard my parents saying it. I know I love them from the bottom of my heart. And they love me very much too.

When the plane landed in Portland, I felt like I was waking up from a dream. I’m back to reality and need to get ready to struggle in “my world” again. As I pushed the cart loaded with my luggage entering the arriving hall, I saw people crowding up, anxiously waiting for their families or friends. Then, I saw a white shadow among the crowd, like an angel. The figure got much clearer as I moved closer… It’s my DWTX! He came to the airport an hour early than we planned! It was definitely a successful surprise. We "squished" each other really hard till I couldn't breath…

Now, my holiday is officially ended. I’ll start my building structure workshop tomorrow in order to take the “static and strength of material” course and the rest of structure classes in the coming school year. Jia You! Yeah!

ps, the picture is a "toy" I used to play when I was a little kid. It's still there in the same old park at that same old spot! And it's still working! I used to climb up and down, inside and outside of that thing while it's spinning...muhahahaaa...

Thoughts from Beijing

I've just came back to Eugene on Sunday. I'm still dealing with jet-leg, but it's not too bad. Here's some writing I did when I was at home, mostly depressing (I basically write only when I'm depressed, hehehe...). Maybe some words sound too harsh. It's not what I really mean to say. I was in a very bad mood. Anyways, enjoy...


Prediction
08/29/2006 4:52pm

The show of my family has never stopped. I assume a big show is coming up soon. I heard that this time, it would be a big production with a fantastic team of actor and actress. Even though the posters haven’t been published, some rumors have been passed out. People said the show would be as powerful as hurricane and earthquake. Today, when I was walking on the street, I heard the leading actors practicing on the 5th floor. I didn’t want to disturb them, so I stood down stairs to listen. The theme is basic about a family of three. The father works at a place far away from home. The mother always fights with him because she thought he couldn’t take care of the family. The daughter just came home from another far away country. She visits home every summer. Since the family is always “on fire”, no one wants to be together with each other. The mother warns if father comes home, she’ll disappear and never come back. The father shout that he doesn’t care, he just wants to spend some time with the daughter. On the other hand, the daughter is on the edge of turning crazing. All she wants to do is to run away from her parents. But she also understands if she breaks up the relationship with her family, her life would be very difficult in the future. So, the three of them play a very complicated game with each other. Each with a different purpose in their twisting heart, no one knows who will be the next winner. Maybe all of them will be destroyed.

That’s the story of my family. When I came home from my grandparents’ place, I heard my mom yelling on the phone to my dad. Our downstairs neighbors probably heard the fight too, because they turned up their TV volume really loud. Mom said if Dad comes home to see us, she’d kill herself. I could probably understand that since I truly believe that they don’t fit together. But there’s something she said that really hurt me. She thinks Dad not coming back to see me off at the airport wouldn’t be a problem. She still sees me as a child, and child doesn’t have heart-breaking problems. I was standing outside our door and listening to her “great speech”. I really wanted to kick open the door and grab her head to knock it on the wall like how it appeared in my dreams. There could never been a person who’s more selfish then her. Why she doesn’t understand that, because of her, more than five years of fear and hate has been planted deeply in my mind. My biggest wish is to make her disappear. No matter how well she acts in front of me, she still discus me. I’m sorry, Mom, I hate you.

I start to realize I don’t know my dad at all. What is he thinking? What’s his plan? Is he on the right track of what he’s doing right now? Even though I don’t want to think about this, but will he be able to support me financially till I graduate from college? I feel my life is always in control of someone else. I have no idea what’s going to happen to it. I know that my thought is very narrow minded, but I have to make a lot of money in the future. That way I can make a lot of people shut up and get out of my life.




My Old Piano
08/26/2006 7:10pm

It took me a lot of effort to uncover my old piano and played it again. The sound of the piano was really ugly. Even though the keys are just slightly out of tune, it feels like they are trying to saw my ears off like sharp knives. I didn’t want to play my old piano at first. I was afraid it would ruin my beautiful memory of my childhood with the piano. I spent so much time with it when I was a little girl. To me, it was my best friend who understands me the most. But finally I played it, because I know that I have to admit to the fact that things change through time. No, I should say, I’ve changed too much. It’s impossible to avoid growing up. The piano is still the same old one. It has always been slightly out of tune. But I’ve played much better ones, like a 9 feet grand piano. It’s painful to see my most precious thing is no longer attractive to me. My piano still shines in my memory, but I need to turn to a new page and look for new values in my life.

I like to go through old stuffs. I don’t know why I’m attracted to history and memories so much. I went through the old pictures of my family again. A lot of people on the picture are no longer in this living world. But they still look so real on the picture. Sometime I wish time would freeze at one moment forever. But I have so many moment I want to keep fresh, such as when my mom took the 3-year-old me out to the park downstairs to enjoy the afternoon sunshine in winter, or when the audience claps for me after my piano performance, and maybe when I fell asleep in the arms of my someone while we watch movies on Friday nights.

我想我可能是一个很胆小的人。不然为什么会如此依恋回忆呢？也许我是因为害怕未来太多的变数才变得多虑和抑郁。只有记忆是无法改变的，是安全与准确的。我很想知道神为什么赐予我这样一个敏感又不自信的灵魂，在他刚刚创造我的时候似乎并不满意他的手笔，我生长得过于快乐了，于是他又特意为我量身定做了很多“磨难”，使我终于成为现在这个样子，我想他应该也是终于满意了吧。。。可是神哪，你知道我有多想像正常人一样自由的生活吗？我只想用简单的眼光来看待这个世界，然后勇敢的去做我想做的事情。我只怕我的“深思熟虑”有一天会毁了我的。你究竟是安排了怎样的生命给我呢？

I have a lot of “instant thoughts”. But I’m not fast enough to write it down or tell someone else. Maybe only God knows what I’m thinking. I believe he will guide me safely through my life.



Away From My world
08/15/06 4:09pm

People always say that home is the most important place for everyone. We call those who wonder around streets with a “need help” sign “homeless” people, but never “ houseless”. According to my Human Context professor, home is a complicated term. It’s not just a place for us to stay. Our memories, emotions, in general our lives started from home and hopefully will end at home as well.

Home is a place you feel most comfortable with and where your heart would be. It doesn’t have to include family sometimes. Time passes and people change. I realize when I come back to visit that hometown is no longer my home anymore. Even though two year is not a long time, but it feels like that I’ve been away for centuries. The houses and trees are still the same. People gather under shades and play mahjong like they always do. But I see different things. I smell gunpowder in the air every second. People seem like they can’t live without hating each other. Maybe it’s just how their world works. But I don’t belong there and I will never understand the logic of it.

My someone always say that it’s a good thing for me to be with my family for a while. But really, I’m just doing my responsibility, like how he does it. Chinese are always proud of our culture that we are strongly bounded to our family. But I feel most of the time that the bound isn’t from our heart. It’s more of a prison of our tradition where we lock ourselves in. If you ask a Chinese why he loves his family, he would say, “because he’s my father and she’s my mother”. That isn’t love. That’s just a responsibility, a payback of our dept.

I used to love my family very much, so much that I can’t even describe with words. After all these years of fighting and quarrelling, I feel live has played a big joke with me. I woke up from my dream and realized that everything is so far away from what I used to believe. I know if my parents, especially my dad know what I’m thinking, his heart will break into pieces. But I can’t live for others. Nothing is perfect. I can’t avoid disappointing people sometimes. Unfortunately, my family might be the people who disappoint the most.

Life is so interesting. As I’m typing this page, my parents are sitting next to me and watching TV. They would probably never understand what I’m thinking. I don’t want them to know about it either, because it’s like a bomb we plant together. If it goes off one day, the power would be even stronger than those planted on the airplane going to the States. I don’t want to be the trigger of this bomb that can go off anytime. I wish I were waken up a little earlier from my dream. Then I wouldn’t be so confused about what’s happening to me but so clear about what I’m doing right now.

To my special someone, I miss you. I wish tomorrow when I open my eyes, I would be in your arms again. Are you missing me? Would you dream about me sometimes? I need your help to calm me down and support me. I promise I won’t hurt myself again. Please wait for me to go back and face this strange world together.

Lord, please be my guide and keep me safe.

BRB

I'm so bored everyday. Seeing my family is a good thing. But with no internet, no personal trasportation, summer heat and humidity, my old grandparents who would ask me the same question thousands of times but still couldn't remember what I've said, I really want to go back to Oregon, to be with my huhnee, to be in my world. It feels like killing myself when I have no connection with the outside. But I have no choice, after visiting home this time, who knows when will be the next time for me to come back agian.

Even though I'm away from blogging, I'm still writing my stories. When I go back to school, I'll post everything I've thought about and writen down and share it with you. Thanks for being with me, and please keep supporting me like you always do.

Miss you

A Special Journey

Here I am, at PDX again, waiting for my airplane to go "home". Home is a confusing word for me, because I have at least three homes around the world. Each of them has a very special meaning to me. Today, I'm going back to one of them, my first home, Beijing!

DWTX's mom took me to the airport today. I'm so lucky! We had a nice breakfast this morning too. Ahhh...

I feel weird today. Usually, when I go home to see my family, I would be super excited. But I don't really want to leave America this time (don't even think about "illegal immigrant" plz). I mean, my honie is here! I won't be able to see him for a month...um...that kind of makes me want to be a watermelon for a while...And I've lived here for quite a long time. People develop sense of belonging and emotions with a place after staying there for a long time, you know? hum...

Ok, that's enough ramble. I need to get ready to board later and see the Mom in a couple of days (I lose one day in the air when I go to Asia, isn't that suck? ^^)

p.s. The image is the extension part of Beijing International Airport terminal 3. It'll be done in 2007. When can I design something like that...?

What If

I think, the phrase “what if” indicates people’s imagination of things, which they understand, are not likely to happen. But we still keep dreaming, because imagination is beautiful.

So…

What if, when I was born, the nurse brought the wrong child to my parents, and I was supposed to grow up with some farmers that worry about food everyday, would I live a simpler and more peaceful life?

What if, in my 20s, like a normal Chinese kid, I grew up, got a college degree and worked my butt off for 200 bucks a month, would I settle down and not thinking about showing off myself?

What if, in my 30s, I had my baby girl, would I be sad that she would soon be another victim of the society? The world would put so much pressure on her; yet everyone tells her that women should be strong if she wants to survive.

What if, in my 40s, my marriage was falling apart, my husband didn’t even know my existence, and my child stopped calling me mother, would my heart break into pieces? Or would I already be so num since I’ve been always treated that way.

What if, in my 50s, my life finally ended for some reason, who would be so kind to be in my funeral? And if they came, who would shed a tear in front of my grave to fare me well on my way?

What if, I was never born… where would my spirit be? Wish God… hopefully…

堕落的天使

满屋子弥漫着烧焦了的牛排的味道，很想扔掉了，但是看看冰箱里已经没有其他能吃的东西了。算了，忍耐一下吞进去吧，至少这样不会饿。再添一个炸鸡蛋，安慰一下。。。

好冷。夏天已经消逝了吗？心像那块刚从冷藏室里拿出来的冻牛排，硬硬的，还不断地掉着冰渣。把她放在盘子里反复琢磨，是不是已经坏掉了？怎么那里有块黑黑的东西？大概放了好久了，不能用了。

“别，别仍掉我！”，当我正端着盘子准备丢进垃圾袋里，我听到一个微弱的声音乞求着。

“可是你已经坏掉了，留着你有什么用呢？”

“我没有坏掉，我是一颗心脏，一颗曾经活泼快乐的心脏。后来我的灵魂生了病，我便乞求上帝拯救我。于是他用他的光照我，但是总有那么一块地方总是黑黑的。神说那是我邪恶的角落，放弃邪恶我便可以恢复健康，我问他怎样才能放弃我的邪恶，他说，要相信他，在他创造人的时候就没有想把他们做的很完美，放弃那些对私欲的追求，便能发现灵魂的美丽。”

“那你显然是没有做到呀。。。”我送出同情的眼神

“是啊，我试了很多次，但是人们总是不给我机会，他们恐吓我，咒骂我，因为他们认为我不够完美。我变得越来越自卑，再也无法勇敢地说出我的真心话。我变成了一个懦夫，甚至觉得连神都要放弃我了。。。”泪水从心的身上流了出来，原来她的哭泣也是那么微弱。

我忽然觉得自己的身体里面被刺痛了一下，回忆慢慢浮现在脑海里。。。

。。。你现在越来越自私了，我知道你恨我，但是我也告诉你，我没有你这个女儿也无所谓！。。。
。。。我辛苦把你养大，你却这么跟我说话！我要你不得好死！。。。
。。。你怎么这么不讲道理！你要是再这个样子，我看我们还是不要交往了！。。。
。。。我为了你可以改变我的计划，你却连个早班巴士都不愿意坐！太让我失望了！。。。

“别说了！求求你们不要再说了。。。”我从回忆中惊醒，开始嚎啕大哭，“我不是天使，我做不到那么完美。为什么我有一点点错误，你们就用我最恐惧的东西来要挟我？！如果我伤害了什么人，我道歉，我重新来！但是有谁会来安慰我？神啊，我究竟要怎样你才肯来拯救我？！。。。如果这是像什么用电刑来叫猴子不要去偷香蕉的话，他们也早被驯服了呀，为什么人们总要一次又一次的揭我的伤疤哪？！”

“不要伤心，我明白你的感觉，我的主人也是经常这样说的，哦对了，忘记告诉你，她叫CiCi。”

“什么？”我俯下身摸了摸我的胸腔，空空的什么都没有。。。

空气里依然弥漫着烧焦了的牛排的气味，还有一个年轻女人撕心裂肺般的嚎叫声。。。

Chinese Valentine's Day '06

I just found out today is July 7th on lunar calendar, the Chinese Valentine’s Day! I wonder what my friends in China are doing for celebration. It seems like the traditional festivals are getting more popular right now. It’s definitely a good thing to know.

Ahhh… On Chinese Valentine’s Day, the lovers are supposed to be together and look for stars at night. But…but, my DWTX is at work…>.< Neh…It’s all right! Yesterday in China is July 7th, and I guess Nuilang and Zhinv (The couple in the fairytale) don’t have any sense of time difference between countries (They’ve never gone abroad except Japan maybe). So, C and D were together yesterday. That must count! Plus, Nuilang and Zhinv only meet once a year. C and D meets every weekend so far. So we’re much more lucky, right? I mean RIGHT?! Hhheee…

Sorry that I’m too weird today. It all started with skipping today’s Japanese class. I didn’t mean to do it. I’m a good student. But… somehow my alarm didn’t go off today and I woke up at 11am, instead of 6:30… I guess I really needed that sleep. I hope my teacher is not too mad at me. I’m having an A+ in the class so far. I hope I can keep it that way.

I had a really nice weekend. My huhnee came to Eugene on Friday. Even though I haven’t seen him for only a week, it still took me a while to get use to being “qi fu-ed” (or kuai foo). And of course I couldn’t let him leave when Sunday afternoon comes. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to get use to this “review” and “preview” period every time when we meet. I joked that maybe I’ll be ok with it just few weeks before I graduate and then comes the time when we can be together again. Hho hoo hoo…

Ok, time to have some brunch and water my iris (Do you know in Chinese we call it butterfly flower? ^.^)

SUN 202 on 22nd of July

Few days earlier I turned 22. Even though I can’t really tell the difference between the last day of 21 and the first day of 22, I sort of feel it gives me more reason be mature, more responsible and stronger.


All right, time to report what I’ve been doing in the past few months. After 11 weeks of struggling, the gloomy winter term finally ended. Then, I had a wonderful spring break. My D and I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain in LA. He DROVE there! Sometimes I joke that he treats me too good, like a princess. But really, if I show any sign of desiring for something, even without me noticing it, he’ll try to make it happen. He truly is the source of my happiness. So, we went to the park for two days, played everything we could, and almost threw up there. My D was so qiang! He won a basketball and big toy dog.

Following the wonderful spring break, another 11 weeks of hell hunted me. In spring term, I had a really tough studio professor. The reason why I say he’s tough is because he’s always energetic and passionate about our project. That drove us crazy! I remember my studio had a lot more stuffs to present then the other four studios during the mid-term presentation (and of course the final). But I enjoyed the spring term studio the most! It was my first time to do planning for a large area with multiple buildings. The project is to design a raptor center in Eugene for injured eagles, owls, etc. I started with being completely lost in a four page long program listing all the buildings and services people need in the center. Lucky enough, I ended with a satisfying final presentation. Again, I have to say I couldn’t make it without my D. As usual (umhumhummm…), he stayed up late with me to scan my drawings and lend me his shoulders when I turned into a watermelonCi.

Then, my D graduated from MBA! I was happy and sad at the same time. I’m happy because he accomplished one more step of his plan. He can move forward now with a nice job at Xerox and finding himself a house and so much more. But that also means that I don’t get to see him that often anymore. Last Saturday we moved his stuff to his new apartment in Wilsonville. I turned into watermelon so many times. I wasn’t worrying about anything bad would happen though. It’s just I’ve had to be in a situation where I need to say goodbye to my loved ones so many times ever since my dad went to work in Malaysia when I was 8. I remember that time I could only spend one month with him in a year. When he’s home I was so happy, and when he was gone, I felt my world just collapsed. Right now I have that same sort of feeling except I know after I graduate in two years, we’ll be together again. Plus, we’ll meet on weekends. Everything will be just fine.

Two weeks later I’ll go back to Beijing, my real home. It’s supper hot in Eugene right now and it’s even hotter in Beijing. But when I go home, there’ll be air-conditioner waiting for me. Ha! Wish everyone enjoy the summer!

昨日、今日、明日

Can’t believe I haven’t touched my blog for four month. If it wasn’t my little sis in Taiwan reminded me that I was gone for too long, I almost forgot that writing was once something I enjoyed.

So, being away for such a long time, I don’t even know where to start my story again. I guess I’ll just ramble for now. I’m pretty good at that. It’s mid-night, almost 1 o’clock. I’ve got a Japanese class at 8 in the morning. And I have to wake up at 6 to prepare for my oral performance. But my brain nerves are all getting sensitive (come on, not again…it’s mid-night!). I wonder if there’s any medicine to just kill my brain for a while. It’s really working too much, thinking about and getting stuck with things that I’m uncertain about. Have you ever have that feeling, getting so frustrated with going back and forth between different judgment and decisions and don’t know which way to go. It’s like never being able to find a balance between Yin and Yang.

When I’m getting sensitive, I like to dig through old things, pictures, writings, morning notes, emails and the “hard drive” in my brain. I’m not sure what I’m looking for. But every time when I go through the procedure I find something new. For example, I read some of my old post. Probably 8 out of 10 were depressing. I sure had lots of fun during the school year, but nothing was recorded. Too many negative things blinded my vision and mind. What happened to me? I have no idea… Oh, and I read all my old emails (again)… I found that the first email D wrote me was really interesting. Why? Because he didn’t use any capital letter in the mail. Was it his habit or was he just too lazy to type a more serious email… well, who knows… it’s just something interesting to notice.

I think looking back to what I’ve been through isn’t a bad thing, even though it might be too much sometimes and too detailed. First of all, that proves I have a really good memory. It’s a gift, not craziness! And then, it helps me to find my weaknesses. Everyone has problems. The winner/survivor is the one that can face the problem and deal with it. Looking forward on the path of life is important. But that doesn’t mean I should run away whenever I’m in trouble. I understand that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes and have disappointment sometimes. I’m just trying to live my life in the best way I can so I won’t regret about anything in the end. Even on freeways, there’s traffic jam sometimes. The road of life might have all kinds of cracks and bumps; yet we still need to make ourselves run through it. May God lead me to wherever he wants me to go. I know he will light up my path ahead.

Untitled

Sorry that I kept putting up and taking down the previous post. I finally decided it shouldn't be there.

Problem solved. It was all understood.

Draining My Life

Wohoo! I haven’t touched my blog for ages! Tomorrow (actually today) is going to be the LAST day for my winter term. I can’t wait to say “Ok, I’m done~”. I’m soooooo done…

I finally learned the power of energy drink. It really helped me to stay awake to memorize all those weird Italian names for the Renaissance architecture history test tomorrow. I really hate this class. From the second minute of the first class, I knew I hate it. But I’ve done a lot of hard work for this class, especially tonight. I feel like I’m draining my blood to study for this test. I’m gonna kick some ass tomorrow!

The final’s week has been so far so good. I did pretty well on the previous exams and presentation preparations. And my “someone” is in AZ right now for some Intel business training (ya-ya, business trip again. From my dad to my b/f, their trips and far-distance working just make me never want to be a business person!). I’m enjoying the freedom of being messy at home. I went to school to take my test in my pajamas-like jacket and pants. It makes me feel relaxed and happy. Who cares how I look. I’m just myself, a Man Tou indeed. >.<

All right, enough for now. A loooooong post coming up soon…

解不开的结

已经很晚了，２：２５am，不想睡觉。

总是被同样的问题纠缠着，思绪在半空中张牙舞爪的飘着，剪不断理还乱。头脑已经越来越混乱了，记忆却依然清晰，心脏感觉像被２０只猫爪子撕扯着一样。我是不是快疯了？她也曾经有过这种感觉吗？如果有的话，她有没有担心过有一天会传给我？

她不算坏人，他也不算好人。他们周期性的排演着他们的舞台剧，我只是观众，而不是导演或编剧。他们的剧场生意很好，从来没有停业的时候。我被绑在椅子上看他们的表演，我挣扎，但是我跑不掉。我的脑袋里被灌进很多他们的台词，但是那些字句似乎是用另一种语言书写的，我怎么也读不懂。后来我把演出的情节说给我亲近的人听，他回给我蔑视的眼光。我不怪他，我们欣赏艺术的角度不同，也许我不应该与他分享得那么透彻。况且连我自己都搞不清楚那昏暗舞台上的男人和女人究竟都在演些什么。总之，我的生命只属于我自己，只有我可以让它绽放，就像唯有我可以让它消失一样。

我心里有个解不开的结，而我却不知道系上这节的人是谁。无论是那个谁，我求求你，帮我解开吧。我被你绑了５年了，绑得我一块完好的肌肤都没有了，灵魂都要被你扭曲了。你究竟在与我玩什么样的游戏呢？我受够了，求你放开我吧！

我很想现在就消失掉，那样的话一切的回忆，怨恨，恐惧都会一起消失。就算问题得不到答案又能怎样呢？也许本来也就没有答案。我应该被遗忘掉，因为我的出现本来就是一个错误。

W T F

This post was originally in Chinese. But I gave up when I was half way done. I always thought I could compose some beautiful words in my native language. I guess I was wrong. I can no longer handle my mother language to match with my more matured thinking anymore. So sad…

I’m so tired of my life. I’m done with more than half of this school year, and when I look back, all I see is dealing with endless problems from school and living. These problems never helped me to learn anything, except wasting my time. I kept hoping and dreaming about things I want. But I always end up with disappointment and heart breaking. I remember when last summer started, I counted the days and wait for the time to go home. I thought I missed my family and that’s where I belong. I finally made it home, but what’s waiting for me was such a big mess. I was angry, embarrassed and hoping that my family could break apart so that each of us would have a separate but peaceful life. Then I started to count the days again, for going back to school this time. I thought everything would be better once I go back. After making through airplanes, trains and buses, I was “home”, another home, an empty apartment that I had just moved into. With helps from some of my friends, I moved all my stuffs into the new apartment. I was so exhausted. After all that lifting, cleaning, unpacking, whatsoever, I still couldn’t sleep for 2 nights because of jetlag. I asked myself that if this is what I wanted. I was so lost. I don’t know where I can go to find some help. I tried my best, but why can’t I just have a moment to enjoy something, anything from my life.

School started soon after I came back to Eugene. The first day was exciting, because my someone was coming back from a short trip to Japan. He looked tired, but at least happy about his trip. I was jealoused. I could never be like him, going for the thing he wants no matter what it takes. I think my personality makes me not enjoying my life as I should be. I always worry about the outcome of my decision, and I always want to be the best. And I know that is impossible because I’m not a genius. Anyways, starting the second year in the architecture program, I realized I have to be very good at handling some stupid professors and their stupid classes. It was a tough job for me since I don’t like to tolerant with people who has low abilities for handling things. However, I’m a student and if I want to get that piece of paper that shows my knowledge, I need to follow the rules. I’ve done so much meaningless works. Sometimes, the words from teachers or students just make me want to twist their heads off and wash them in the toilet. I could have learned so much more in a better school. But, my SAT score was not high enough to put me into those schools, nor do I have that much money to pay the tuition (when I took the SAT test, I’ve only used English in my daily life for a year, what do you expect?). No one to blame except myself.

Fortunately, I was able to have a nice trip to Canada during winter break. Me and my someone headed north to Seattle-Vancouver-Victoria and back. My trip almost stopped at Vancouver. But under my strong determination, we got on the ferry going to Victoria. I thought I wasn’t there just for hanging out with my someone’s friend. I mean, it was fun, but that was not the reason why I was there. If I can’t even make my trip to be my own one, I’m such a big loser. I remember my someone said after the trip that since he got the full refund of his air ticket, he was fine with the “extra” part of our trip. I was thinking, oh, the refund… did I get any ‘thank you’ from him? I didn’t remember, but I would think he had.

So, here I am, struggling with the eighth week of winter term. Three out of the four classes that I’m taking are ridiculous. The course itself would be interesting if we have some professors that know what they’re teaching. I got my recent midterm from Renaissance Architecture History. My lovely British professor gave me a D-. He also offered me to visit his office because he thought I didn’t understand his lecture and I didn’t put enough effort in his class. Well, if 8 hours of study group and countless times for memorizing those names and years doesn’t count for effort, I really don’t know what else I should do to pass this class.

I don’t know what I should look forward to. I guess I should just go through each day without too much thinking until I get out of this cage. Don’t expect too much so that I won’t be too disappointed. That’s right.

Random 2

I have about an hour before the next class. After checking emails and serving websites (all that routine you do when you get online), I still have 45 mins to spend. Actually I've only spent about 5 mins to check all my email accounts. No one sent me email except the department office's secretary. She's never tired of sending us emails about all the lectures and activities in School of ARCH. So I decided to write another random post, just to waste the time. "Woo...she's got time to waste. She must be so free and relaxed" you might think. Heck NO! This may be the only 45 minutes free time I have for today, besides eating and sleeping. I've got tons of projects and readings to do, but I just don't want to do it NOW! I wonder, if I keep doing homework one after another like a robot, how long I can make it. I think I would definitely go crazy before the sun goes down.

Sometimes I think architects are like fortunetellers. Fortunetellers never really know what's in your future. They make up something and make you believe it. The work of architects is a process of researching the past/present, predicting the future and then creating a habitat that they think is good for human beings. The architects have to be good predictors and planners. When they design buildings, they need to think about what it's going to be like in the future 50-100 years. They create and change human life patterns. Don't believe me? Well, think about how many times you had to adjust your living habit in order to fit into a new physical environment. You finally got use to the new habit, which means the architecture changed you. And most of the time you're not bounded to one environment. If you don't like the crappy work of one architect, you look for another one, or at least do something to improve the situation. For example, you just started sharing an apartment with another person after staying alone for a long time, you felt so weird because your freedom and privacy is taken away. Now you can't throw your clothes everywhere on the floor or do whatever you like in the house anymore. All your space is restricted into that little tiny room you get. But then, you figured out maybe everything is really not that bad. Just close the door or maybe even put a sign on it when you feel you're exposed too much to the public. You also start to adjust your schedule and try to have more freedom and relaxing time while the other person is in absence. In a small scale, you got your freedom/privacy back. And you need to tell yourself that this situation is contemporary. Once you finish your school and move to another place (I'm referring to college student), you're out in that wild world, doing whatever you want again. At that time, you'll have bunch of other new environment you need to fit into. But at last you know that you're going back to that old crappy place anymore.

In the process of being trained to be a professional architect, sometimes I found the working habit is a little bit too overwhelming for me. By that I mean I always want to figure out what's going to happen beforehand and make a plan for the future. But life has too many variables and uncertainties. It's really hard for me to just keep going without knowing the directions. I think most of the source of my depression or disappointment comes from that fact that the real life doesn't fall onto my plan and there's no way for me to be that flexible, unless I don't care about myself and my life. Maybe my personality is telling me that there's no other job as suitable for me as being an architect. We live in dreams.

All right. This post is turning to look like an essay. It's time to go to class now. Another busy days (after school) is knocking on my door. I heard it's coming...

春节序曲

匆匆忙忙之中又一年的岁月飘过去了。在迎接狗年到来的时候，很多对过去的思考让我觉得自己开始慢慢成熟了。希望在新的一年里会有更大的进步！

人好像离家的时间越长就越思乡，就越对家乡的传统文化有无限的怀念。我本不是个喜欢怀旧的人（也许是因为小，根本不知道什么是怀旧吧），但是离开北京有近五年的时间，每到过年的时候我就觉得特别难受，想家。给家里的电话打过了，学校里中国学生的聚会也去过了，但是就是觉得缺了点什么，没有过年的气氛.。我在北京时间大年初一的中午准时打电话给家里，可以听得出电话那边很热闹。奶奶说大家聚在一起正在包饺子，没有我的份，但是给我留了压岁钱。那个电话的通话时间很短，也许是大家都玩的太开心了吧，连爸爸妈妈都是草草说了几句就挂断电话了。我觉得很郁闷，有种被忽略了的感觉。或许他们也在想念我，只是忘记说出来了而已。只要他们开心，我也就无所谓了吧。今年学校的中国学生聚会与往年一样没有计划的进行着。我和大尉去的时候已经没有座位了，等待拿食物的人排了老长的队。所以最后我们只好很扫兴的离开了，去了另一个中餐馆吃了一顿让人心酸的年夜饭。后来在大尉的执意要求下我们返回了聚会现场去看演出，他实在是不想看我在新年第一天就这么郁闷。演出只能说是表演者的自娱自乐，唱歌的人跑调的厉害，像在唱卡拉ok一样，表演乐器的还不如那些北京地铁里卖艺的人们。不过在怎么说，他们还是在庆祝春节，大家开心就好。

恍惚间突然想起小时候在北京过年的情景。除了传统大菜以外，我最想念的是放鞭炮。今年北京解除禁放了，又可以听到二踢脚和挂鞭儿的声音了。我特别喜欢在大年初一的早上出去散布，满地都是鞭炮爆炸以后散落的红色和黄色的纸，像秋天的落叶一样，那种景色只有在中国才找得到。而我什么时候才能再见到它呢？也许要很久很久以后了吧。。。

不罗嗦了，新春快乐，狗年吉祥！

Ramdom

When I read the so-called “random stuff” on others’ blogs, I’m deeply impressed by their thoughts and philosophy about the world. Most of the writings don’t seem to be randomly composed at all. They’re very logical and well organized. But today, I’m going to do the real random writing, with wrong spellings, grammar or whatever, just to spill out the poison in my mind before it makes me too sick.

Chinese New Year is coming right in front of my nose (Well, that’s a Chinese expression. If you don’t understand it, that’s fine. I’m just writing this to myself anyway.) Actually, tomorrow will be the New Year’s Eve. The big family (I’m talking about 20 something people) is getting together at my grandparents’ house and preparing the celebration. But I’m not part of it. It kind of surprised me that I’m not really interested in what they are doing or how fun it would be. I even think calling the family on New Year’s Day is just a duty for me, not that I miss them. After all, I’ve been here for 2 and half year and will be remained here for at least another 2 and half. Many things have been washed away from me by the stream of time. I’ll visit occasionally, but the place is no longer what I can call it home. And I understand this situation is not reversible. Moving to another place to look for better life is not like changing clothes, once you step onto the road, there’s no way to go back, unless you want to give up all you’ve been doing and start from the beginning again.

So, basically, mentally, I feel like a homeless person. I have a place to stay. Actually it’s quite a nice place for an international college student. But this place is like the refugee shelter. I’m only allowed to stay here while I’m in college. What’s comes next after I graduate? Who knows… Maybe some people would say “well, it’s the same with all college students that they’re trying to figure out what kind of life they’ll have”. But you need to understand, it takes so much more effort for a foreigner to survive than a native. I don’t have much choice. Wal-mart is not going to help me to get a working visa or green card. I need to get into a strong design team in a good architecture firm if I want to stay here and built up a stable career. Well, all that is uncertain. My only bet is to do as best as I can in school and train myself to be a good designer (not those crazy ‘carpenters’ you see on TV). I really hate it when I have too much uncertainty and can’t control it. But life is like this. You just got to be smart enough come up with ways to adjust yourself all the time.

My academic work is taking so much of my time, so that my social interaction with people is almost blank. The only people I know are classmates in the architecture school. But few of us are very close friends since everyone is so concentrated on his/her own study. I noticed I started to have emotional problems when I became 21. But I don’t have anyone to talk to except my DWTX. The problem is, DWTX is not a girl… even though he’s willing to help, he wouldn’t understand what I’m going through. I need a female friend that’s about the same age and personality as me to talk to. Well, with my time schedule, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen while I’m in school. But a TV show I watched today kind of made me feel better (Oh my gosh, I just watched TV? For an hour? I can’t believe it!). The show tells stories about four teenage girls who’re figure skating athletes. Their lives are similar to mine. They spend most of their time on the ice. They don’t know anyone else except the skating people. But they keep practicing for the glory under the spotlight. They’re willing to sacrifice anything else for being a good skater. They never know when they’ll trip over during the jumps or when they’ll get a serious injury. They just keep practicing and waiting for the moment to shine on the ice.

So, I think I just need to keep in mind that I want to be a good architect, and keep moving. I will definitely move to the top of that hierarchy someday.

Another Pattern Language

One of my textbooks for Human Context for Design is called "A Pattern Language". It’s basically a guideline for architectural design process (personally, I think it's could be an 'architecture design for dummy' book, except it wouldn't be very useful). So, I'm writing a simple pattern language for my recent life. That's why it's called "Another Pattern Language".

A DARK ROOM:
messy bed(1) unfolded clothes(2)... in the laundry basket and on the floor dirty socks(3) wood dust and foamcore(4) modeling tools and material(5)...all kinds of junk you can find you can find in my studio is now at home

unorganized desk(6) dusty laptop(7)...works really slow piles of books(8)...new, unread dirty tea mugs(9)

a garbage can(10)...without garbage bag, but full of junks

dusty drafting table(11) dusty lamp with dim light(12) unfinished model(13) more wood dust and foamcore(14) cutting knives(15)...sharp, dangerous; they can peel off any part on your hands drafting pens(16)...most of them are broken; out of ink

a wall with some drafting tape(17)...it says "C loves D" (also "D loves C" backwards) ink marks(18)...from the out-of-ink "sharpie" dusty printer(19).....out of ink too

A GIRL
black eye bags(20) long messy hair(21)...curled and tangled double chin, triple belly and muffin butt(22)...she's still eating chocolate broken back/spine(23) 24 hrs/day is not enough(24) depressed(25) confused(26) tired(27) tired(28) tired(29)...

A QUIET CLASSROOM
a test(30) unfinished answers(31) dead air(32) sleepy(33) boring teachers(34) stupid teachers(35) stupid students(36) unfinished homework(37) more homework(38)

(DWTX: ...and a Dawei sitting unobserved in the corner(39) taking pictures(40)...
CCTX: Wait! I'm not done yet!
CCTX grabs a frying pan and swings it into DWTX's face..."dianggggg"
DWTX-->>pass out)

A DAWEI PILLOW
very comfortable(39) excellent medic and 'C-engineer'(40)...I know that's where I need to go when I feel I'm broken spy-D(41)...sitting unobserved in the corner, taking pictures(42)... my favorite spot(43)...my goal is to make it bald! 'chee-foo, dengdeng'(44)...it's our secrete codes... burned chicken(45)...the point is why the chicken was burned, hei hei hei...

Well, that's about it. The weekend is coming. But I don't think it will be relaxing at all. I've got two projects to do. But this Sunday is Chinese Year. Now matter what happens, I need to celebrate it. Maybe being busy is good in some way, at least I'm not very homesick (actually I should say, I don't have time to be homesick...>.<)

Farewell to the winter break

Monday morning, I woke up with the annoying sound from my alarm clock at 6:50am. "No, please don't tell me it's Monday. It can't be Monday" I threw my hand onto the snooze button and quickly lost my conscious again. 10 mins later, the clock went off again. I turned on the desk lamp to force myself to wake up. It's the first day of school. I need to be in the Japanese class before 8am.

After a nice and long winter break, I'm back to the ugliest building of the entire campus, Lawrence Hall, the School of Architecture. My winter term 2006 started with an early gloomy rainy morning. Over the past month, I got so used to the perfect 1:1 proportion of my sleep/awake schedule (go to bed and around 2 or 3am and wake up about 2 or 3pm). It scares me that my school starts with the Japanese class everyday at 8am. But the good thing is I don't have studio this term, which means I won't be tortured with an 4 hours long class, 3 times a week in the afternoon while I'd only slept for maybe 3-4 hours. I found it's never fun to force my brain to randomly spill out some ideas about what we call it design when it's semi-conscious (maybe even worse). The final decisions always surprise me after I'm done with the projects. For example, in my last studio project of a music center, my concept was to form the circulation into a shape of a treble clef. I absolutely have no idea of why I came up with those funky designs. I wonder if that's why people think many of the modern buildings are ridiculous these days- the architect must have been "designing" them through many of those "semi-conscious" days and nights.

Back to the topic of describing my first week of school, I'd like to introduce my professors this term since I think they're all kind of weird in some way.

My Japanese class teacher, Nishio Sensei, is an old and strict Japanese lady. She looks like...an over cooked sweet potato that has been thrown onto the street and then ran over by a car. What an art! On the first day of school, I heard the rumor about this teacher that she was asked to stop teaching Japanese literature because she gave too much hard times to her students and even made them cried in the class. Hopefully she's not gong to fail me this term.
The second class I had was Renaissance Architecture History. We have a British teacher for this class and everyone is sort of confused by his accent. He's thin and tall. He has black eye bags which make him look like a vampire.
I have two teachers for Human Context for Design. The one I want to mention is the visiting professor from UC Berkley. During his lecture I started to wonder if I went into the wrong classroom of a political science course. His "speech" sounded more like a debate for an election.
The last course was Environmental Control System (ECS). The professor looks like an XL size Albert Einstein, I mean, they have exactly the same hair and moustache style. He is probably the coolest teacher among all the others I have for this term. He knows what he's doing in the class and he controls everything very well.

Alright, so...even though this is only the first week of school, I've already start to see how busy and crazy it's going to be. I started writing this post on Tuesday, and finally got a chance on Monday to finish it. But as I said, no studio means I'm in heaven. I enjoy the time with my DWTX in the library (doesn't that sound so BT?).

Oh, here's another little interesting story for this post: Friday night DWTX and I was invited to a party in Portland. The theme was vampire (like my history teacher...). I've never been to any club like that, so I thought it would be an interesting experience for me to check out. Although DWTX has warned me that there would be weird people doing weird dance, I was still kind of surprised by what I saw. I grabbed my someone's arm really hard so that I would feel I was safe. It was an interesting night but I'm sure I don't want to be somewhere like that again. It's just not my type of 'entertainment'.

We finally got cable in our apartment! We really enjoyed watching 24 on Sunday and Monday night. I always enjoy the "intermission show" provided by DWTX. I won't go into details but he's really cute ^^.

Ok...ok... time to sleep. Good night!