Haven't written anything in English for a long time, 4 years and 5 month in exact. How are you, my blog? I did miss you sometimes. Actually, I've never stopped thinking and wondering about what life has been and how it'll become. It's just I tend to talk to myself in the head more than writing it down. You see, my way of thinking gets simpler as I get older. I stopped lingering on what God's big plan for me. In stead, just take one day at a time. When I open my eyes in the morning, I only hope for the day to go by smoothly. No more diatribe about the past or seeking a snick peek into the future. Occasionally thoughts like that does come across my mind, but it would only stay for a second and then vanish like a bite of cotton candy melt in the mouth--it's gone before you can even remember the pleasure of sweetness on the taste bud.
A glass of Pinot Noir, an episode of some rather dumb Taiwanese variety show and a few pages of the Holy Bible take me through the night. My life would seem rather boring to a lot of people, but I don't mind. I actually love this sense of isolation and disconnection. Besides my husband, parents and a few other family members, I don't need anything else, not even a pet. Someday in the future, a baby have to come in the way. But now, I confess, I'm afraid to have a child (especially a girl), because I don't know how not to be like the monster mom I once had. People always say "like mother, like daughter". What if my child had to go through the things I had to go through. I'd rather kill myself than seeing history repeat.
Although life seems as dead as a crater lake, a few disturbance is coming next week. Thursday I need to put on the sales man's face and try to sell myself to the architecture firms in Portland. Then friends are coming and staying with us the following weekend...don't even need to mention the cleaning and re-cleaning...
Enough said, good night.
