"High-tech" spy

Ok, story time. I watched this story happening this afternoon. I wasn't sure if I should write about it at first because it's something bad about a person I really love. But, the story is important to me, because in her action I saw my own mistake.

Well, let's call the main character Q. She's a very beautiful, understanding but sometimes extremely sensitive woman.

Q, her husband and I live in a 3 bedrooms apartment. They own the apartment, while I'm just a visitor, spending 2 month of my summer vacation here in Kuala Lumpur. The couple treats me really nice, like today, they invite me to have dinner with them.

When I was doing laundry this afternoon, Q came to me with her husband's cell phone and ask me to teach her how to use cell phone. She especially asked many questions about how to check calling record and messaging. I didn't think too much about it at first, so I taught her everything she wanted to know, including some other functions such as the digital camera. But I have this weird feeling that why she didn't ask her husband to teach her since this is his cell phone. I wonder why she turned to me for help. "Well, this is none of my business. I just do what I should", I told myself. Before returning the cell phone to her, I told her I could show her some cool things on that phone, like the mp3 player and the video editor. But she refused and grabbed the phone back. Without saying 'thanks', she ran back to her room. "How weird! I hope she's fine", I've never seen Q acting like this. Is she in trouble? But then again, it's none of my business anyways. I came back to my room.

Later, Q's husband went to kitchen and started to cook. Q came to me again with some more questions about the cell phone. I noticed that this time she had a small phonebook with her. While I was answering her questions, she started to match the calling record with the phonebook. "Ha, I see.. she's trying to figure out who her husband had talked to.. Women’s stupid old trick.." I whispered to myself. I also noticed that the numbers on her phonebook were all her husband's female friends. My feeling at that time was really hard to describe. It's like I've helped her doing something really bad.

But that was not it. Q's husband suddenly came in and announced that dinner was ready. Simultaneously, Q threw her phonebook underneath my pillow and used her body to hide it from her husband. She smiled to him, as beautiful as she always is, "Oh.. thank you hon. We're coming! CiCi was teaching me how to use cell phone. I'm so out of fasione..hhee.."

They left. The phonebook was still under my pillow. I sat on my bed and stared at my pillow for a long time. I felt it was never more ugly than it was at that moment. It even made me want to vomit. I thought the first thing to do the next morning was to change a new one...
........................................................................................

While I'm writing this story, I remember something similar I've done to my closed one. Even though I didn't mean to do it, I'm so sorry about my 'overwhelmed curiosity'. I think if I really love someone, I should trust him like I trust myself, believe him like believing God helped me make the right choice.

In the worship today, the pastor said: Talk to others about your mistake. They won't look down on you because they've already known your weaknesses. It's important for yourself to see your own weakness and sin.

I don't know how Q would feel about her action. I hope she learned something from the worship today as well.

东倒西歪

我很想用“东倒西歪”这个词来形容我现在的生活状态，虽然有点差强人意，但我实在找不出什么其他可用的词了。

今天睡到快１１点才起床，是在我妈的轮番轰炸下才爬起来的。然后一整天都在晕头转向，一点精神都没有。打开电脑发现大尉给了我一个留言，说给我打了电话却打不通，晚一点再打给我。于是我等啊等，到了吃中饭的时间电话还是纹丝不动。于是我抓起听筒狠狠的播了他的号码，另一端是大尉困得含混不清的声音，“喂，我都打了一天了，你那该死的电话就是打不通”。　“又不是我的问题，你凶什么。。好啦，你先睡啦，晚安！”

好委屈哦，我一边骂马来西亚的通讯系统，一边糊里糊涂的塞进去一大碗炸酱面。。。

饭后，我懒懒的瘫在沙发上看Discovery的节目。节目里在讲印度的猴子们如何在城市里生存。大概意思是说在城市里的猴子要比在野外的猴子更需要“头脑”去生活，去面对来自各个方面的危险。猴子的群体在随着领导者的变更而不断的改朝换代，猴子们要不断适应新环境，统领也要时刻注意自己的地位会不会被另一个篡夺者取代。而当地的人们尊猴子为他们神灵的守护者，因此不断的供给食物给它们，是这些猴子能够生存下来。真的是一个很有趣的生态链。

后来在沙发上又睡着了，以至于现在（凌晨）都没有丝毫睡意。醒来以后觉得实在无聊，便开始打我们家那只可怜的蝾螈的主意。我把他拿到我的钢琴上，然后以最投入的意境开始弹萧邦的幻想即兴曲。小家伙被我惊醒了，疯狂的在水里翻腾。哈哈。。好像只有这样折磨它我才觉得不那么无聊。自己都觉得自己残忍啊。。。

晚上喝了半筒可乐，好过瘾。我妈抱怨我没有给她也准备一个杯子，我觉得很奇怪，我也不知道她要不要喝，为什么她自己不去拿杯子？看来我是被西方的文化“教唆”得太“自我”了。　没办法，就象那些猴子一样，适者生存，对吧？呵呵。。

遥闻深巷中犬吠

First I have to apologize for my writing today. It’s going to bother and poison anyone who will read, including myself. But I have no choice. I’m sorry that I’ll have to scream and break stuff.

The ‘earthquake’ finally came today during lunchtime, without any sign or clue. We were having lunch in the mall. It was quite an enjoyable time. But suddenly, a phone call about some problems on the working site from a female worker of my dad ruined everything. Out of nowhere, Mom started to be angry. She was swearing, using her fork to poke her food. Her hands were shaking, as if she had too much caffeine. The ‘battle’ went on and on. I counted; she said one sentence 9 times during the fight. “Shit, we got it started again!” I whispered in my heart.

Dad had to leave for work. She and I were left for shopping. We didn’t start right away. She asked me to sit with her because she needed to ‘calm down’. It was so funny to hear her saying she wanted to ‘calm down’. It’s like hearing the Chinese government saying that we’re going for capitalism. I wasn’t sure if she were talking to me or to herself. Anyways, she went for 40 mins; same words again and again. I really wished I’d have some medicine to put her to sleep!

M: “You need to be tough to guys. They lie all the time.”
C (Shut up, Mom…)
M: “I’m not that kind of person who doesn’t listen to anyone. If he (Dad) explains to me about everything, I will listen”
C (Bullshit…you never listen)
M: “I’m treating him good. And I don’t want you to be influenced. You should have a nice summer here.”
C (S-H-U-T U-P! That’s all fucking bullshit alright??!! )

Do you know that you have problem? I mean, mental problem. Can’t you see that you can’t even control yourself? Did you see that people passing by in the mall were all looking at us like watching animals? Did you know that I really wanted run away ‘cos I didn’t want to get embarrassed like you?

Yes! You knew it! You saw all of that! But you can’t control yourself! You have problem! And Dad, you never stand for yourself and fight back. You’re always quiet, always like a loser!

You, both of you hurt me so deep. Ever since I started to remember things, all my memories of my family is fighting, fighting and fighting. For what? Is it only ‘battles’ and ‘earthquakes’ would prove that we’re still a family? I don’t understand why I’m still in love with this family so much, protecting it like a glass castle. It’s all fake! The laughter, care and many other things, all fake!

My closed one told me it not good to think that I should have never been born. But what else can I wish? Should I wish that next morning when I wake up, I would find they killed each other? Or wishing that terrorists would come to bomb our apt when we were sleeping? I know that’s ridiculous, but I really don’t know how to get rid of this. I just want to disappear for a while…

They are still ‘chatting’ in their room. I can’t even use the bathroom to take a shower (it’s in their bedroom). What’s wrong… what’s wrong…

Oh, ISKLians...

We didn’t go to the dinner. Probably we avoid a battle. Thanks to my ISKLians…!
I got a call from one of my high school friend, Shang Ying this afternoon. He told me that since Varqa is leaving Saturday with his wife to Taiwan, we should meet before he goes. So I got my dad’s permission and then rushed to KLCC twin tower. Ha! Shang Ying and Varqa were both wearing green shirt. They looked like couples.

Then, we just sat in Burger King and chatted. Technically, we haven’t really met for 2 years. But it seemed like we just graduated from ISKL yesterday. We talked about our current lives, threw jokes at each other and made fun of our high school teachers. Maybe we were the loudest in the restaurant…hhee… It’s funny that we are all studying in US, but we never have any chance to meet there. Maybe Malaysia is our “homeland”, we would only have fun here.

I think I'm going to visit my high school in Sept, when the school starts. I miss my teachers. The model I made in architecture class is probably still on the shelf in my school’s hall way and my name is still on the wall of ‘excellent musician’…

Errr.. I had to wear my retainer again.. so painful. Can’t sleep lah…wwwuuu…

不详的预兆

I have this weird feeling that an “earthquake” is coming soon. I don't know when it’s going to attack me, or what its damage level will be. What I know for sure is that I need to find myself a shelter this time. I won’t sit there and watch myself being tortured anymore. I keep telling myself that I’m not bounded to any disaster. I can walk away anytime I want. I shouldn’t care too much about the tradition. I should only stand for what I believe and what makes me happy. I need to learn to be selfish sometimes.

Well, maybe the words make you confused. Here’s what’s happening. We’re going to a dinner tonight. It’s not that kind of fancy business-family dinner between working partners. Quoting my mother’s words, we’re going to have dinner with some trashy people. Right, she never like any of my father’s working partner, especially when one of them is a woman. It’s a long story, I can’t write about it using few words. Anyways, mother hates father socializing with “trashy people”, while father complains that mother forced him losing his friends. The problem is just that easy. Mother is too sensitive and father is too not-sensitive.

I have a secrete… a secrete only to my parents…

I wish they never met 25 years ago. I wish they never born me. Well, if that sounds like dream talking, here’s a more realistic thought – they should DIVORCE. If their marriage brings them so much pain, why should they still be together? Is it only the family reputation that they’re trying so hard to protect? That’ll be the funniest joke and biggest tragedy I’ve ever seen. And I’m part of it.

Well, maybe I’m too serious. But if the battle starts, I’m going to drop my nuclear bomb!

P.s. My phone rang today. Hhooo… I was so happy. Thanks to modern technology, I never feel so far away from my sandpaper-D^^

soundless shout

I started jogging in the morning again. Now, my leg muscles are so sore. Hopefully I won’t be super-size-Ci after this vacation. The food here is so attractive…ah…>.<

I know that every time when I come home for vacation, it’ll take several days for me to get use to being my parents’ little daughter. I don't mind them giving me orders sometimes because they’re good advices. But, they take care of me too much, especially my mom. I understand that she wants me to enjoy staying at home with her since I’ll only be here for 2 month. But.. but she’s making me disabled..! I can’t stand that she keeps telling me “when to do what”. “CiCi, it’s hot in here, I think you should tie up your hair.” “CiCi, go to eat your peach, it’s good for health.” “CiCi, don’t drink cold water.”

Errr! I’ve been drinking cold water all the time for 2 years, Mom! It’s ok. But I controlled myself and I didn’t yell at her. I know she just want to do something for me while I’m at home. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. That means, I need to be more patient and let her understand little by little that I’m not her baby-Ci anymore. I cooked dinner last night. Mom was surprised that I can cook now…hehee…

But sometimes, my parents would treat me like an “old friend” and complain to me about each other. They never notice that I’ve already been tired of stories like that. I’m not the family psychiatrist. Talking to me doesn’t solve anything, it only bring more depression to me. Even though I’m prepared for the “lectures”, I still couldn’t stand it and feel I need to scream. I think I know too much between my parents. It’s their relationships; I’m not responsible for keeping it healthy.

I got a call from one of my high school friend in KL today. He got married last month and he’s going back to TW this weekend to stay with his wife. He was suggesting that we and other ISKL friends should get together before he leaves. “So, CiCi, when are you getting married?”, he asked me. “ehh.. don't know lah.. someday..he..hheeee…^^” I didn't know what else I can say. After the phone call, I started to wonder how old I should be and how old I actually am. Then I felt there’re many CiCi at different ages inside me. The different characters make my life interesting. I don’t know what the future would be. At least I’m enjoying the present time.

So, keep jogging, keep smiling, keep being CiCi. Jia you! Yay!

p.s. Will the phone ring today? Or maybe on weekend? hhee...kidding lah~

3rd day at home~

Ah.. 3rd day at home, I’m getting more use to the environment and enjoying the summer.

My piano arrived yesterday afternoon. The security called my house to see if there’s anyone home so that they can let the piano coming in the apt. “Hello, is this 10-9-2 at Robson?” “eh.. I think so..” I answered, but actually I don’t know what number apt is…hhee..

I like my new piano. It’s a Kawaii131. Its sound is the best among the 3 pianos I’ve rented before. I practiced a little bit this morning. I’m looking forward to this Saturday when my dad’s friends will come and practice their trio. The piano guy in the trio says he’s looking for some 4 hand piano pieces for us to play. Then we’re going to look for some performing opportunities. Jia you, yeah!

Me and my parents went to Fatty Crab for dinner.. oohhh.. I missed seafood so much! I ate a lot…oops.. hhee.. I need to start to work out tomorrow. Don't want to be super size-ci.

Mom still likes to make everything in the house works her way. This morning when I woke up, my room is extremely clean! I mean, I can’t find my stuffs! She “hided” them somewhere in my room while I was sleeping.. >.< And she always like to say “cici, do this” or “cici, don’t do that”, as usual. But I’m a grown-up, at least I’m pretending to be. So I tried to show her that I have my own way and it works well too. She realized as well that I’m 21 now and I can take care of myself.

Dad got his salary today. So.. I need to beg him for the new cell phone. I don't understand why cell phone has to have so many functions nowadays. It has a camera with zooming lance and a flash light, mp3 player, sound recorder, video recorder, blue tooth, a 256 memory card and a USB cord… yummy…

Ok lah. Time to go to bed. Wan an~

Selamat Datang!

I’m super dizzy now, so I need to finish this entry quick and then get lots of sleep!

I got out of KUL 8am this morning. My dad was waiting for me in the lobby. I don’t know why, but out of my control, I hugged him and started to cry. We directly headed to the Chinese breakfast place to have ‘yumcha’. Woo.. I haven’t had it for a year. My stomach was so happy ^^.
It took me several seconds to figure out where the 9th floor button was located on the elevator of our apartment. I’ve totally forgotten it. After dropping me off, Dad soon left to his working site. I took a shower and stole a beer from the refrigerator . >.< . Then, dad came back again to take me to the site with him. On the way, he told me some progress about this project and some important people who he’s directly working with. Today was a big day because all his contractors and suppliers were waiting for their payments. There were lots of checks and cash needed to be sent out. So my job was to record each check number onto the payment sheet and when the suppliers came, I need to let them sign the sheet and leave their ID info on it as well. Dad said next week he’ll show me around the site. So I maybe I can wear the robber boots and safety hat! Ha…I always want to do that~ I saw the blue prints for the project this afternoon. Hoo,.. the military people have nice houses! The semi-attached houses have 2,500 sqft each.. eehhh..

But I learn some terrible news from the working site. One of the Indonesian workers has just died not too far away from campus. He was trying to pump air into a truck’s wheel (while he’s not experienced and trained to do that). He didn’t notice the tired is already full and it’s putting more and more pressure on the metal ring inside the weal. Finally, the metal ring broke and hit him right into the head. His blood and brain was splashed everywhere. He died in the hospital few hours later.

My mom is coming to KL tomorrow. I don’t know if I’m really ready for this. I don’t want any fight or quarreling in this house, at least not for right now. I tried to convince myself that everything is going to be fine. But, who knows…

I got a present from one of my dad’s co-worker at the dinner tonight. It’s a white gold necklace with a cross on it. I was actually thinking about a necklace like that few days earlier because my dad said he will buy me a present and I get to choose it. So.. now I need to think about something else. I don’t really need anything though... That necklace was really a surprise for me. But again, I don’t know how my mom will think about it. She might get mad again because my dad’s co-worker (a female) gave me an expensive present. Anyways, I really like that necklace. If she breaks it, I’ll have to break her. >.<

Ok, my piano is arriving tomorrow afternoon. I’m passing out right now.

Good night~

Almost home...

I'm in Singapore International Airport now. Free internet service again. hhoo.. I'm SUPER SUPER exhausted..I've been sitting on the airplane for 16 hours.. From PDX to NRT to SNG. Can you believe it, I watched six movies on the plane (well, didn't finish the last one). I slept a little bit, but I want to stay up till the evening today (July, 22nd here). That way I can avoid jetleg (don't know how to spell, DWTX, help!) easier. Now I'm waiting for the ticket transfer people to get back to work. I just want to get the important things done, then sit there and wait. um...

So far, there're some interesting things during my trip. I think I should write them down so I won't forget later ^^.

1.I like the food from Northwest Airline. Much better than EVA air or Air China.

2.When I got to NRT, I felt like I was in Beijing because there're Chinese characters everywhere and they use Chinese for announcing info too. The best part.. ha.. I saw the "Asian toilet" again. I mean, it's the one that you have to crow down to use it.. ha.. I kind of miss that. And sitting ones are super low too, comparing to the ones in US. Those are the little things that makes you feel like home. heee..

3.After I got of the plane in Singapore, I started to look for the right transfer station. I had to walk a loooooooooong way to the other terminal (who designed this airport ah? Terminal 1 and 2 are located on each side of a loooooong building >.<). Then, someone told me that I could have taken a train (which was not in service that that time) instead of walking..nice..~ workout-ci.. no, actually it's super dizy-ci.

4.BUT.. I need to question that why I'm the ONLY ONE in NRT who was stopped at the boarding gate for a security check? I'm just a transfer passenger and I'm not even going to go out of Singapore airport. Why do that have to check my US visa, Malaysia visa, I-20, my address in KL and my dad's contact number? I mean, I'm just a student who want to go home to meet with my family. Do I look like a terrorist? Or is it just because I'm a cheap CHINESE that anyone can stop me and check me. Why don't they take off my clothes too? So they would be sure I don't have any weapons?! Anyways, my point is, I don't want to feel shameful to take out my passport every time. Yes, I'm from PRC. So what?!

Ok.. I guess I have to go now. Midnight here, but I'm not sleepy. eehhh...

NW5 2:25pm

I like PDX because I can use their free wireless internet connection here. I didn't plan to write a new entry, but since I have 2 hours to wait, I decide to waste some of my blog space hhee..

So, here's the update of my trip.

5am..I had to wake up and prepare to leave. I took a shower and put my bathroom stuffs in my backpack (didn't forget my toothbrush this time). I ran into my kitchen, dragged out my bread and stuffed one piece in my mouth...Choking..Choking..>.<"

My roommate gave me a ride to the greyhound station. I met a Japanese girl there who is also taking the NW airline going to Tokyo (same plane. ha!). She's also in the music school, majoring in flute performence. It's always nice to find a companian ^^. We arrived at Portland on time. I DRAGGED my baggages to the red line train station. Hoo... that was a good work out for me. I saw a train going to Hillsboro on the way to the airport. That brought back some memories of my other trip...hhee.. tao yan!

So. one more hour to wait till the boarding time. Jia you, Yay!

Goodbye, Eugene

Woo.. so.. hum.. I'm really leaving...

Everything has been packed into boxes, bags, and my luggage. I feel so weird, it's "don't know how to react" kind of weird feeling. I remember last summer, I didn't have any hesitation to jump into the airplane and go home. I just wanted to run away from this place. But this year, I have something (and someone) important on both side of my journey. And I just don't know which side I'm more willing to be on. Where did my excitement go? Wasn't I so eager about the food, the air-conditioning, the beach, and family?

But, I hate to count it like... the last meal, the last phone call, the last time checking email, the last "goodbye", the last hug... I've been having this kind of "last" experience since I was 12, but I would never get use to it. Actually the more I have it, the more I hate it. When can I be settled down and not have to travel between places for getting the feeling of being home. I think that's going to take quite some time. I have to learn to give up things I used to have and looking for things that are more suitable for my life right now. I don't mean to forget about my family and hometown because that's my root. But, we say that we can't get the bear's foot and the fish at the same time. I'll have to put them in the bottom of my heart, and build up a life that belongs to myself.

Alright, time to go to sleep. I have only 5 hours to sleep.. Night night~

The devil in the summer

I'm glad that I made a smart action just few hours ago. I walked away from the danger and avoid from being hurt again. I mean, I've had the similar kind of terrible experience before and I learned from it. I won't let it happen to me twice!

This afternoon, a friend of mine, who used to be one of my roommate invited me to watch a movie. He wanted to meet with me for the last time before going home (after graduating). So I went, and things were fine before we got on the bus going home. On the bus, he started to talk about the old days when we were roommate and he was saying that he will miss me after going home. After we got off the bus, he suggested to walk me home. I thought that was nice of him, so I agreed. But then, he leaded me to the short-cut, a really dark road where people would rarely walk by. I started to feel weird and intensionally walk faster. He then stopped me at a dark spot, saying he wanted to tell me something. I was dragged to sit down on the edge of the road...
"You know, I saw you taking a shower the other day", he started to touch my back, "I thought it was my gf (we were all roommates that time). But when I went in, I figured it was you."
"What?!!" I pushed his hand away, with my eyes widely open,"you saw me ..."
"um.. just few seconds", he put his hand back around my waist, he was trying to move it upward, " you have nice ..."
"Hey! No! That's not funny~" I jumped away.
He was trying to grab me back, but my phone rang. It was DWTX!! So I immediately picked up the phone, "Wei, hon. I'm almost home!"
"Call me when you get back, hon."
"Ok! 88"
"Look, I really have to go. I need to make this call." I turned to my friend and try not to act too nervous, "Nice meeting you. Enjoy the rest of the days staying here."
He wanted to say something, but I couldn't wait. I grabbed my handbag and almost RAN away. I tripped on the stairs of my apartment again...

After coming home, I called DWTX. I was hesitating if I should tell him about this, but I finally did. I feel better and safer that way. And thx for understanding me, da wei.

I decided to write about this story because of three reasons:
a. To the girls who might read this entry by chance, I want to say that never be afraid to say NO to guys who are trying to take advantage of you. Don't let them see you're nervous. Try to keep a clear mind and protect yourself strongly. And don't be afraid to talk to someone you can trust about your experience. It'll help you to release the pressure and calm you down.
b. To guys who did or are thinking about doing this kind of thing, think about your sisters or gfs being insulted the same way. Would you be happy to see them living in the shadow of horror just because some guys like you want to have a short-term happiness or excitement?
c. A reminder to myself. I'm strong enough to protect myself. That terrible thing is not going to happen to me ever again! Good job CiCi!

So hot.. x_X"

I start to miss the gloomy rainy days in Eugene. At least I didn't have to drink ice water all the time to cool myself down. Also, because of some "brilliant architect"s design (maybe I'll be one of them in near future), my room is even hotter than the outside. I think, next summer I'm going to enjoy my summer studio so much, because we have air-conditioning 24/7 there.. woohoo..! Maybe I'll just live in the studio that time.
I still wonder how could I skip one full step by mistake when I was going up stairs to my apartment. Probably I was thinking (dreaming) about something.. I don't' know.. Now I have a big bruce on my left leg and it's swallowing..
See that picture? I took it yesterday at my bd dinner. That little boy is Daniel. He's 7 month old now. (No, he's not mine.. hhee..) He goes to the Chinese church with his parents every Sunday. Everyone loves to play with him and make him laugh. He never cry or being shy. That's why I can be friendly-ci with him. I can't hear kids crying, especially in a restaurant. That makes me want to throw them out of the window (devil-ci). But.. I don't' know, maybe if it's my own kid, I'll do my best to calm them down and protect them.
I'll have to throw my models away today. Oh no... I don't want to do that. DWTX told me to burn them.. T.T 不要！Garbage man, please don't abuse my models. just dump them into your truck.
I still have things to wash, pack and get rid of. SO HOT.. don't want to move at all.. >.<"

丫头我今天２１～

"思思，我今天给你煮面条啦！”那是在北京的妈妈..

“臭屁啊，２１岁了啊？该有点女孩的样了吧～”那是在吉隆坡的爸爸..

“祝你生日快乐..祝你生日快乐..”That's from my friends in the Chinese church.

"Happy birthday, roommie", My roommate gave me a big hug.

..(phone ring).."CiCi!" DWTX was shouting, "Happy birtday to you.." He was singing on the phone (and driving, of course..)

All of those are reminding me that I've been existing on this planet for 21 years. Staring today, July 17th, I'm going to begin a new page of my life. I don't know what's going to happen or what's going to change. But there's one thing for sure: there'll be lots of "stories" waiting for me to complete. I'm waiting to be a more matured and successful me, I'm 21.

There have been lots of different CiCis in the past 20 years.
Baby-ci, who looked like a doll and all her parents' friends wanted to hold her.
The youngest sister-ci, who was always Qi Fu by her cusins. She finally turned into a tom-boy and learned how to revenge.
The piano-ci, she spent one hour with her piano everyday since 4. People thought she has passion and talent in music. But what she really thought was just smashing the piano was a good way to release her emotion (anger, most of the time).. hehe...That's why she has 3 broken keys on her old piano.
The army leader-ci. Ya~CiCi had her "army". They threw stones on bicycles, fighted on the coal mountain, chaced big mouse in the snow...etc. That was the most redicules time. Even her dad didn't want to go to school to pick her up after she got in trouble.
The study machine-ci, like all other Chinese students, CiCi had to study all the time about the subjects she really hated. Chinese, Math, English, Chemistry, Physics, Geography, Biology.. and Political Science?? For what? She didn't know. She maganed to have top5 grade until the last year in Chinese school. She left her high school with two F in her math and chemistry class. But she was happy. She didn't have to be a study machine anymore.
The star-ci, everyone in K.L. international high school knows her. She was in the jazz band, chamber music band, chior, music competition, talent show...She spent her happiest 2 years in Malaysia.
The depress-ci, something happened in her family (no details), and she got lost. Till now, she still can't figure out what's going on, maybe it's just not her job to do it. But it helps her to grow up real fast. Be more responsible. That was the good part.
The in-love-ci, before 20, she always wondered that why she had lots of guy friends but no boyfriend. She was searching but she wasn't very lucky. She got dumped, cheated, hurt,,,When her self-confidence was droping to nearly negavite level, she met her DWTX. She finally became the in-love-ci.
The advanture-ci, China-Malaysia-the United States. She's jumping from place to place, making a spcial Ci-life. She's sometimes homesick. But new things are always more attractive to her.
There are many other Cicis of course, but I can't list all of them here. This is good for now.

I remember every year on my bd, my parents would take me to theme park to spend a whole day there. This year, I'm doing a visual tour of theme parks on line ^^. I found this:
Superman The Escape
Guests can live the legend of DC Comics' Superman, The World's Greatest Super Hero, as their experience on SUPERMAN: THE ESCAPE begins in Superman's Fortress of Solitude, a crystalline ice-cavern high atop the park's mountain ridge. Confronted by enemy forces who have stolen into the Fortress, guests escape through a special effects tunnel in 15-passenger vehicles before experiencing the thrill of a lifetime. State-of-the-art electromagnetic motors blast the aerodynamic vehicles out of the station, accelerating from 0-100 miles-per-hour in seven seconds before shooting straight up the 41 story tower. An unprecedented 6.5 seconds of weightlessness is experienced as riders rocket to the top, then slowly begin the terrifying backward descent. As the trains freefall straight down the skyscraper, they will once again reach the 100 miles-per-hour speed zone...before safely returning to earth. Spanning more than 900 feet across the theme park and looming 415 feet above the ground, the dual track coaster forms a gigantic "L" shaped superstructure dramatically changing Six Flags Magic Mountain's skyline.
I need to go there someday. I have to.

Alright, I need to get ready for the dinner tonight. jia you!

Home, sweet home~

I'm finally all set to go home. I packed up, got my air ticket ready, and most importantly, I got my VISA!!!
Ok, I think I should start from the beginning. Otherwise I'm making myself confused. ^^
...
...
-------------------------------------------
"CiCi, is anyone sending you a package using FedEx?" Thursday afternoon, my roommate came in to my room with a delivery notice. "oh..oh.. it must be from the Malaysian Embassy in LA! It's my passport!", my heart started to beat so fast. I was nervous. I didn't expect that I could get my passport back in four days. My assuming was that they got my application on Monday and rejected me. So they mailed it back to me on Tuesday. Seeing I was so worried, my roommate and her friend took me to the BMW test-driving experience. We were going 80MPH on highways. My roommate was shouting that her friend drove too fast, but I didn't have any feeling or reaction. My mind is totally on that FedEx package. Finally, time rolled slowly to 5pm. We went to the FedEx office and I got my package back. I opened it.. my passport.. only a passport.. with a piece of receipt! I opened it and there was my visa! Hooooo!! I was jumping, giggling, shouting...

So, I immediately called my parents and tell them I got my visa and we don't need to worry about anything anymore. Soon after, da wei tong xue called and shared the happiness with me as well. I got so excited that I spilled the chili sauce all over the table in the Indian restaurant where we were having dinner at.
..
..
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Friday.. It's Friday! Da wei tong xue is coming down to Eugene after work!
6pm..knock..knock.. "hey, wo hui lai le!"
Hug! Yeah~ Wen ni~
"Want to watch a late movie, hon?" "Ya, which one?" "War of the World" "k"
...so bloody...My stomach was complaining... hungry, but can't eat anything...
...3:30am... a crazy guy was yelling downstairs of my apt..towards the apt on the other side of the street.. "I'm going to kill you!"... We finally called the cops. But that guy left before the police got here.
..
..
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Saturday..
I don't want to wake up.. I don't want to have my Saturday coming so fast. It's the last day I see da wei tong xue in the summer. (well, only the last time for summer.. hhee...when school starts in Sept, we're going to each other everyday again)
We went for a walk after breakfast. I think the sun was pretty strong because now (mid-night) I'm suffering from skin allergy.. so itchy..(scratch..Scratch!)
I opened that pack of Durin, King of all fruit! hhaa... I was glad the da wei didn't vomit. That was a good durin. Even though it's been frozen, it still smelled so strong and tasted so good! Da wei tong xue had one piece and I had most of the rest..hhoo.. Yummy!
7pm..loooooooong hug.."bye lah~" "88woh"..Start the engine.. Hunk! Hunk!.. c u my da wei.. ">.<"
"yaaiiyayiyayiyayiyaaaaaa....enneeeennnn~..heenn..heenn... .. ..."

Yayiyaiyayiyayiaaaaa~

《黑色柳丁》
今天我心情有一点怪怪
可是说不出到底为什么
好像有一点悲哀的徵兆
可是病因不知道
头上有橘色的加州阳光
我的口袋只有黑色的柳丁
我只有一个蓝色的感觉
不要问我为什么
..
..
今天一起床我就头痛
不管吃了几瓶药都没有用
心情有一点莫名的焦躁
你离我越远越好
外面有橘色的加州阳光
我却躲在自己孤独的黑洞
我只有一个小小的要求
就是请你leave me alone

This is one of my favorite songs, by David Tao. It pretty much describes my feeling now. I mean, I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to stay at home everyday and do nothing. I IMAGINED many times about taking a walk at night, sending my blanket to laundry store, packing up my stuffs... But when my mind comes back to reality, I don't have any passion to actually do anything. It's AMAZING to see something like waiting for a visa can have such a big impact on me. And it makes me so confused about myself right now. When I'm given tasks to do, no matter how hard they are, I can do well. I don't mind if I stay up for 48hrs or I don't have time to eat as long as I have things to do (ok, maybe when school starts again and I come back to read my writing, I must think I'm crazy..). I remember during the school I always complain that I don't have time to do anything I like. Well, now I have plant of free time and I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO!! I'm such a weird creature...

Now I'm jealoused of my friends. They have summer school to take, they have internship to do, they're planning trips to NY, to Japan, to home... The thing I scared the most is.. What if after I finally get home, I'm still like this, nothing to do everyday and just wasting time. hheee. Then I'm the biggest 傻X in the world!

NONONO.. it's not going to happen!　

Please.. somebody.. give me some foamcore to cut..

13号的祝福

今天收到了一个无论如何也想不到的生日祝福。

信中依旧是那种玩世不恭的口气，顿时那个嬉皮笑脸的影子又闪过我的脑海，心里一阵作呕。。

他。。。一个曾经让我狂热追求的男人，一个给我数不清的创伤的罪人，一个另我现在想起来就恶心的－－“东西”。为什么要送给我生日祝福？是想证明我在他心里还有一个可怜的影子吗？还是想告诉我他那“尊贵”的社交关系里居然还有我一个位置？想忏悔了？那当初为什么肆无忌惮的伤害我！

全天下的人都知道他的丑恶，只有我一个人天真的认为我可以改变他。别人都看到他怎样玩弄我的感情，只有我一个人看不清楚。。直到很久以后才从朋友的说笑中恍然大悟，就好像被人重重的扇了一个大嘴巴一样，终身难忘。

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

算了，就当作是教训吧。现在我有我的大尉，我满足。我每天都感谢神，把美好的生命给了我，救我从痛苦的记忆里出来。

“我还没有叠我洗过的衣服，没有CiCi我不知道要怎样做啊～“，大尉在电话里向我诉苦。好想他，也觉得好幸福。

第一次懂得，原来感情是这样的。原来并没有那么艰难。。

。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

下午和爸爸聊了很久，装着坚强地安慰他一切都会好的。真的都会好吗？我好像有点看不到希望。。。

但是我不能逃避，虽然我没有能力去把问题完全的解决，但我是他们的女儿，我应该分担他们的压力。我一直都认为我有一个幸福的家，一个出色的爸爸，一个贤惠的妈妈。我好想证明我的感觉是对的，我不想放弃！

可是，有一个声音在我背后不断的低声呻吟－－“我害怕了，别让我回去！我害怕了，那不是我的家！”

Shooting star

An extremely quiet night...

No clouds, no starts, no breeze...

I sat in the darkest Conner of my room, talking to an important someone. I was holding my phone as tight as I can. I thought if I loosen the phone a little bit, I would lose the sense of that warm breath forever...

Tears... Like figure skaters, drawing crazy curves on my face. Although I couldn't see it, I knew my face was messed up like a piece of baked potato being smashed on the floor...

But my mind was far more worse than that... I couldn't even sense my feeling... There was scare, sadness, disappointment, anger, craziness, whatever you can think of.

Bad memories... Noise, yelling, sound of broken glass, crying...Who are that man and that woman? And who's that little girl crying in the closet?

Journal... The last page... The dark page... My secretes... NO! They didn't have to be secretes! It's only because no one would listen to me! Now I'm tired to talk about it again. I've thought about it in my mind thousands of times, yet no one listened.

Suddenly, a big shooting start swept across the sky right in front of my window, making a beautiful curve in the dark. I should make a wish. But I wondered, how many people saw that shooting start and made wishes upon it. Then, I wondered, with so many wishes, would that shooting start feel tired and refuse to finish his "job"? Was he ever willing to carry our wishes? Has he ever complained? But, no matter how he thought or how much I worried about him, people still made wishes upon him. I don't have the right to stop them from having hopes.

I felt pity for that shooting star. What if he has a wish as well? Who would make his wish come true? Maybe he never had one because by the time he became a shooting start, he has already burned into dust in the universe...

unexpected happiness

As usual, I locked myself in my little box yesterday afternoon, wondering how I can waste my time in a most "wasting" way. When I was spacing out, 大尉同学 sent me an IM saying he is coming to Eugene to pick up his pay check. "Woo.wo.." I jumped out of my bed, trying to making sure I wasn't having a day dream. Then, my phone rang, 大尉长官 confermed that he was driving to Eugene that time and he would visit later. Because his phone was almost out of battery, he said it as if he was giving a mission to me.

After finshing the call, I "restarted" my brain, opened several "program", and made myself "functioning" again. I ran into kitchen, took out whatever I have and started to cook dinner. I felt like I was a racing car full of gas. I was back to life again. See, that's the point of going home and meet with my loved ones. It's not just about eating good food, shopping or enjoying the sunshine (of course they are important too). It's more about having the embition and passion of doing something for/with my loved ones and sense the happiness.

Someone's knocking on the door.. hehe..大尉同学! I love the moment of every time when I open my door, he's always there with a big smile. We had a good time last night and he left almost 12am..sorry sorry..>.<


《小蜘蛛和大苍蝇的故事》
我真的很喜欢这个blog,因为我一直都想找到一个可以写中文的blog。 现在终于如愿以偿了！

家里的互联网坏掉了，所以我现在不得不到图书馆来查我的邮件。不过我喜欢坐在图书馆里的感觉。没有嘈杂的马路噪音，只有几个学生再准备期中或期末考试。Eugene的午后是悠闲散漫的。学生们零星的在教学楼之间漫步。偶尔会经过一个溜狗的人，也是不请愿的被爱犬拽着东跑西撞。连云彩都懒懒的爬在天上懒得挪动一步。

我选了一个靠窗的沙发坐下来，光着脚躺在上面玩我的电脑，只有在放假的时候我才敢这么放肆。我就是喜欢这种无拘无束的感觉。这时我的注意力转移到窗外的一面破破烂烂的蜘蛛网上。一直巨大的苍蝇再上面不断的挣扎。我正在纳闷，这网的主人呢？这么大的猎物已经上钩了，不能让它白白跑掉啊！后来我注意到在一个小小的角落里有一个小小的蜘蛛在静静的等待。他实在是太小了，连那只苍蝇的三分之一都不到。“真是眼大肚子小“，我很想嘲笑那只蜘蛛。但后来我发现他的能力要比我想像的大的多。那只苍蝇在不断的挣扎，蜘蛛只是在一旁耐心的等待。终于，苍蝇不动了。小蜘蛛慢慢怕过去，试图缠上第一圈线。苍蝇又开始疯狂挣扎，蜘蛛跑开了，但我想他的毒液已经成功的刺入了苍蝇肥大的身体。就这样不断的试探，进攻。在４２分３５秒以后，大苍蝇终于被缠成一个线团，成了小蜘蛛的囊中物。

我想我们每个人都像那个小蜘蛛一样，虽然我们身体渺小，但我们有大愿望。而且如果手段正确，大愿望也有实现的时候。看着小蜘蛛和大苍蝇，我想有两点对我们的大愿望很重要，一是永远不要放弃，二是做事要有战略，有头脑。

感谢小蜘蛛，现在我的心情终于出太阳了～

明天在哪里啊。。

又是星期一，一个沉闷的阴郁的星期一。。。
整整一个月了，我被囚禁在这个像垃圾堆一样的立方体里已经一个月了。直到现在这还是一个毫无结果的等待。还要等多久？没有答案。而我已经精疲力尽，几乎竭尽疯狂了。
郁闷，厌烦，最后变成极度的仇恨。。。
我恨谁呢？恨人家的政府不发给我签证吗？恨我自己拿的是中国护照吗？恨我没有更多的钱去作无畏的挥霍吗？我痛苦的思考，找不到答案。我只是一个被牵了线的玩偶，他们怎么摆弄我，我就要跟着怎样做出动作。我没有任何选择，也没有权利去发泄我内心的愤怒。除了无奈，我无法做出任何其他的回应。
我去了牧师家里吃中饭，菜很咸，但是有种在家的感觉。牧师总是喜欢给我讲他的经历，讲他家里的那些传奇故事。我喜欢听老一辈们讲故事，总像听天方夜谭一样，比好来乌的电影还有趣。也许正是因为他们的这些经历，才造就出他们这样不一般的人生。回家以后我就想，他们经历了那么多的战乱革命，我这些烦恼又算什么呢？这样想着心情就好多了。我总是会回家的，耐心等待吧。

I woke up with the noise of a garbage truck outside my window. I looked at my clock, 11:15am. I started to curse the garbage truck because it woke me up so "early" when I tried to sleep longer, wishing to skip a day just like that. Ever since the Spring term ended, everyday has been the same to me. I stayed in my "box", watching the sun going up and down. I tried to think about what I can do to make my day more "meaningful". "But, what is meaningful", I asked myself. I couldn't find my answer. I felt like I was a puppet. I respond to how people control me. I couldn't have my own desire. If I really have to answer what meaningful means, I wanted to say it means being home, enjoying the sunshine, laugh as loud as I can,..etc...eventhough this answers seems pretty meaningless to me right now.

I checked with the Malaysian Embassy again. They didn't recieve any mail this morning. I don't know what else I can do, but just wait.. wait.. and wait...