First I have to apologize for my writing today. It’s going to bother and poison anyone who will read, including myself. But I have no choice. I’m sorry that I’ll have to scream and break stuff.
The ‘earthquake’ finally came today during lunchtime, without any sign or clue. We were having lunch in the mall. It was quite an enjoyable time. But suddenly, a phone call about some problems on the working site from a female worker of my dad ruined everything. Out of nowhere, Mom started to be angry. She was swearing, using her fork to poke her food. Her hands were shaking, as if she had too much caffeine. The ‘battle’ went on and on. I counted; she said one sentence 9 times during the fight. “Shit, we got it started again!” I whispered in my heart.
Dad had to leave for work. She and I were left for shopping. We didn’t start right away. She asked me to sit with her because she needed to ‘calm down’. It was so funny to hear her saying she wanted to ‘calm down’. It’s like hearing the Chinese government saying that we’re going for capitalism. I wasn’t sure if she were talking to me or to herself. Anyways, she went for 40 mins; same words again and again. I really wished I’d have some medicine to put her to sleep!
M: “You need to be tough to guys. They lie all the time.”
C (Shut up, Mom…)
M: “I’m not that kind of person who doesn’t listen to anyone. If he (Dad) explains to me about everything, I will listen”
C (Bullshit…you never listen)
M: “I’m treating him good. And I don’t want you to be influenced. You should have a nice summer here.”
C (S-H-U-T U-P! That’s all fucking bullshit alright??!! )
Do you know that you have problem? I mean, mental problem. Can’t you see that you can’t even control yourself? Did you see that people passing by in the mall were all looking at us like watching animals? Did you know that I really wanted run away ‘cos I didn’t want to get embarrassed like you?
Yes! You knew it! You saw all of that! But you can’t control yourself! You have problem! And Dad, you never stand for yourself and fight back. You’re always quiet, always like a loser!
You, both of you hurt me so deep. Ever since I started to remember things, all my memories of my family is fighting, fighting and fighting. For what? Is it only ‘battles’ and ‘earthquakes’ would prove that we’re still a family? I don’t understand why I’m still in love with this family so much, protecting it like a glass castle. It’s all fake! The laughter, care and many other things, all fake!
My closed one told me it not good to think that I should have never been born. But what else can I wish? Should I wish that next morning when I wake up, I would find they killed each other? Or wishing that terrorists would come to bomb our apt when we were sleeping? I know that’s ridiculous, but I really don’t know how to get rid of this. I just want to disappear for a while…
They are still ‘chatting’ in their room. I can’t even use the bathroom to take a shower (it’s in their bedroom). What’s wrong… what’s wrong…
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