阴天

渐渐进入十月底，这里又要开始阴雨连绵的日子了。。。

隐约之中我感到抑郁已经悄悄的在我身体里撒下种子，它会慢慢膨胀，然后吃掉我所有理智的细胞，再在夏天到来的瞬间中消失，留下一个空虚的表皮。我已经厌倦了那些整天蜷缩在设计室的角落里部分昼夜的工作的那种生活，但是我逃避不了，这是我为了追逐梦想而必须付出的代价。就像小美人鱼那样，为了能够拥有人的双腿，她必须放弃她美妙的声音和她在海底所拥有的一切。也许有人会认为她很傻，但我觉得她的生命因为她的“不安分”而开始散发光芒。她看到了她所向往的那个世界，她快乐过，悲伤过，爱过，恨过。从某种程度上说，她是完美的。

冷眼旁观另一个生命的起伏是如此简单，甚至可以说是一种消遣。你可以长篇大论别人的生活是如何如何的乏味，按照北京人的话这叫做“站着说话不腰疼”。但是当自己亲身经历的时候，很容易就开始叫苦连天，开始迷失方向。。。

在这个昏暗的十月，我突然觉得我的２１岁的开头是那么不顺畅，来自学业的压力，与家庭的渐渐疏远，还有其他无数的不顺心的事开始让我有点窒息的感觉了。一连一个星期每天晚上我都要画图到半夜２，３点。我的制图板很高，所以为了有好的效果大部分时间我都是站着的，等到工作结束的时候，基本上上半身已经直不起来了。对我来说周末于工作日的唯一区别是我可以在周末多睡一会，工作量照常不变，从来没有派对，现在甚至连星期五晚上我与男友的“风花雪月”也被省略了。妈妈经常会打电话给我，但是我从来都是心不在焉的应付两句就挂断电话了。这个夏天她伤透了我的心，我想我无法再与她有心灵上的沟通了，原因很简单，我长大了，她老了，两个不同年龄且都有个性的女人永远无法和睦相处。

昨天晚上我和大尉去一个设计室里的朋友家里BBQ。说实话，去之前我真的很紧张，因为我知道那里只会有我一个外国人，人多的时候我一定是那个傻傻的坐在一边听大家聊天的那个人。在朋友的家里，虽然我和大尉都没有说太多的话，但我能感觉到他们都是同一个圈里的人，只有我被划在圈外，像一只被踢出群体的猴子，呆呆的望这那个既熟悉又陌生的地方，然后悄悄的一个人离去。也许我说的有点过火，但是我的感觉就是那样的。走的时候大尉一语道破了我的空虚“CiCi was just sitting there and thought 'ok, I'm with my friends' right?”，就像把一个平胸的女孩子衣服撕光，然后展示她的乳房给众人看一样。愤怒，委屈，所有的压抑集中到一起，我的眼泪想打在窗户上的雨点一样一个接一个的掉下来。我真的厌倦了把一种符号一样的语言硬塞在脑子里面然后在作出一副很自然的姿态去回应这些符号，我累了，可是又不得不继续掩饰下去，我在这个陌生的社会里，我无法按照自己自然的方式去生活。

今天早上接到教会里一个长者的电话，教育我不应该和男朋友同居，虽然我几次向他解释我们是室友，不是同居，他还是不依不饶的像念经一样的教育了我一番。讲完电话我觉得胃里像吃力屎一样恶心，我不明白中国人为什么这么喜欢打听别人的隐私，然后对此指手画脚。我知道有一本书叫“丑陋的中国人”，我没有读过，但是我想我会很认同里面的一些观点的。

今天的心情因为早上的电话被搅的一塌糊涂，总是想摔东西。已经是傍晚了，什么都没做，觉得荒废了一天的生命，觉得自己是个十足的大白痴。

做饭，给家里打电话，洗衣服，读书。。。还有那么多事要做。。。为什么我的星期六总是一团糟？

Is it Friday yet?

Everyday feels like Monday to me. I have to keep a high energy level to work on those endless architecture projects. There’s never one day I can go home right after I finish my classes. There’s always team meeting after school and it would go on and on till 6 or 7pm.

However, each day, my body is at the status of Friday after-school time. I’m always sleepy and worn out. I drag my body to school everyday with a negative energy level. I see my classmates come to studio with dark eye bags. I guess everybody is struggling. That kind of makes me feel better. At least I’m not alone on the way of being a crazy architect.

I’m so melancholy and impatient lately. I don’t think it’s because of the weather since it hasn’t really started to rain all day long yet. I’m just simply too stressed out by those projects and tests. I keep having nightmares with the bad memories of my family. Every time when I wake up in the morning, I’m always sweating. I can’t concentrate very well during classes because I’m too sleepy. Like today, my Japanese class GTF noticed that I was falling asleep and therefore kept asking me questions to keep me awake. It was so embarrassing that I couldn’t remember how to write the word “思” in front of the class because it’s actually part of my name. The GTF kind of laughed at me “don’t you remember how to write your own name?” At that moment, I really wanted to grab a chair and knock his head off.

Ok, it’s getting late again. SLEEP! But before that, here’re some things I need to take care of:
-Stop eating that pop tarts so quickly. I eat more sweet things when I’m stressed. Ehhh… If I don’t have time to work out, don’t take that much junk into my body.
-I need to be more gentle to people. I always imagine twisting people’s head off if they make me feel uncomfortable. One of my classmate in the Japanese class said I look so scary today.
-Find something fun to do this weekend (sleeping?! Ehhh???). Absolutely NO project Friday night! I should do something for myself, such as practicing piano or drawing cartoon. I hate doing things that I have to do, like finishing a task on my schedule. I want to live my life more naturally.
-I want to hang out with my DWTX more. I feel we just say ‘hello’ and ‘good night’ to each other everyday. Ya, we live really close by and see each other everyday. And it’s really just “see” each other everyday. But… whatever… I don’t really know what I want. I’m busy all the time. I’m either working or sleeping in my room. Fortunately, he has a computer game he spends most of his free time with. He seems enjoying it very much. I don’t know.... I really miss last year when we can go out to do something and just forget about the rest of stuffs that we need to do. Hum…Whatever…

Burned

I just finished the test of the building construction class. I did a horrible job on the test. It's not because I didn't study for it, actually I reviewed everything in the textbook for many time during the past few days. Yet, I have to say, I'm definitely "burned" by this exam.

If I can give a grade to the exam paper composer, he would receive a D-. Me and my studio classmates all agree that this is the most stupid exam we've ever seen. First of all, there're tons of mistakes and typos in it. Then, most of the questions are senseless. For example, "explain the meaning of each number and alphabet in 'W30-112' steel beam. Now, would you please take out an architecture handbook (any handbook) and look closely on the up right-hand-side conner of any structural steel chart. It'll tell you what those numbers stand for. We're not contractors! Errrr! There're things in the textbook that are more important than how to read a beam size or how iron is made. Where's the steel joint type and technique? Where's the steel structure layout? How about concrete building process and formwork? Where're the 'real' construction questions?

Anyways, I absolutely hate this exam and this class. Oh, and did I tell you how I feel about the exam? I HATE it!

21 years has gone so fast

(long and boring stories I wrote this afternoon... didn't like it...)

Let me start over again…

It’s 1am, a perfect time for me to express my weirdness.

I like mid-night, especially its darkness which makes me extremely sensitive. Light and color cheats my eyes. In the daytime, they blur my vision and distract my focus on observing the things around me. When they disappear, I start to see things clearer and have a better sense of the real “me”. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I don't like black cats. They hide in the dark corners and look at me with their sharp and bright eyes. I always feel they can see through me.

I took a nice walk with my close someone around the area we live in the evening today. He asked me to tell him a long story about a period in my life that’s interesting. But, my life has been the same everyday since I was 6. I wake up in the morning, clean myself up and run to the school. I take endless tests and homework. I come home, crush on my bed and wait for another “yesterday”. I don’t know why I’ve always chosen the hard way to live my life. I want to step out of my hometown to explore things my friends will never see. I want to be a straight A student. I want to challenge the toughest major in my school. And now I have all these things I wanted. Am I happy with it? I don’t know…

Sometimes, I wonder… If I’ve never moved out of Beijing, who would I be right now? Probably like my other old friends there, fighting with the final year in college and trying to compete with millions of other newly graduated students to get a job. Me and my old friends would get together sometimes over the weekend and have a bowl of noodle which costs $0.25. And we would point at a foreigner on the street and say “Oh! Look at that Lao Wai”. I would still live with my parents, never know how to cook or fix the cracking tiles on the floor. It would be a much easier and simpler live. But, is that what I want? I don’t think so…

Instead, I stretched my arms to reach over other places in the world to see what else I can use to light up the candle of my life. I moved to Malaysia, then the United States.
Then I experienced…
-The first time I was horrified to notice I don’t have any friends with me anymore. I started to freak out because I don’t know how to make new friends in the international school where people look all different and speak different languages.
-The first time I had to plan for my future, thinking about what kind of class I need to take and which university’s what major do I want to apply for. My parents couldn’t help me because none of them has gone through a similar step. I was all on my own.
-The first time I understood what an 8 years of separation could do to a marriage. It means it’ll take even longer for the couple to get use to each other again. What are left are scares in each other’s heart that’ll never heal.
-The first time I got flowers from the principle on the stage after the semester-end music performance. I played piano for jazz band, choir and singers that night. I was on the stage through the entire show. I became popular in the school after the show. Music helped me to meet lots of friends too.
-The first time I had to leave my family and unfold a whole new page of my life that has all sort of unknown surprises waiting for on there. I became a college student in USA. I saw all kinds of people and things in the school, parties, drugs and alcohol… Things were overwhelming for me. Suddenly I felt so lonely. I had no friends and I needed to start from the beginning again. I’ve had this experience once, and I definitely hated to let it happen twice. But I have no choice.
-The first time I had to stay up the whole night in order to finish my architectural project. It felt like dying. The moment when I finished my presentation and got all the positive feedbacks, I almost fainted in the studio. But I felt happy.
-The first time I decided to fall in love and start a real and happy relationship. I chose the wrong person. My world fell apart and I was hurt so badly. I thought I would never be able to stand up and love again. But God always love me much more than I thought. I met my close someone last winter and slowly, he melted my frozen heart. The warm spring came back to my world again.
-The first time I moved into an empty apartment alone for a week. With all the boxes and junks pilling up in the living room, I sat on the floor and started to cry for no clear reason. 5am, I called my parents. I told them I was just having jetlag and got bored so I made the call. I wanted to tell them I was so lonely and upset. I wanted to tell them I really miss them. But I got to be strong because I didn’t want them to worry about me.

21 years has gone so fast. I’ve grown to a young woman with all kinds of weird thoughts about future from that little girl who looks like a doll. I don’t know what I’ll be when I’m 31, 41… But I know whatever step I take, I work hard for my goal and never regret.

Honey，我也害怕会失去你

给我最可爱的大尉同学：

宝贝，很抱歉昨天晚上我悄悄离开了你的房间，看你睡的那样甜，我不忍心因为我的辗转反侧而把你吵醒。但是原来你也没有睡好，不知道这算不算是我们的心有灵犀。

昨天你做了恶梦，今天早上你像一个受到惊吓的小孩子一样钻到我的怀里。当时我真想自己能变成一张大毯子，紧紧地包裹住你，保护你。你说在你梦里我们吵架了，我弃你而去。你说你很担心我会有其它爱慕我的男生，而我也会对他们有好感。请不要生我的气，但是你讲述梦境的时候真的好可爱，像一个小男孩担心丢了自己最心爱的皮球。

宝贝，我想让你知道，我真的很爱很爱你。除非有一天你不要我了，我会一直跟随你，再你身边为你加油打气。别人说我长的怎么样对我来说不重要，我只想听到你说我是你心目中最美丽，最聪明的女孩子。只有得到你的称赞我才会相信，才会开心。你让我学会了自信，学会让自己按照自己的意愿做事。我的生活因你而变得充满阳光，我真的很感谢你带给我的一切。

大尉，其实，我也好害怕会失去你。我总是认为你对于女生来说是那么有魅力。我所有见过你的朋友都说你长的好帅，而且都有人在你的blog上面说要和你交朋友。其实我也担心有一天你会不要我了，所以我才变得像个spy。我看到你还保留你以前那些女朋友的照片或她们送给你的东西，我不要求你丢掉它们，那样的话我太自私了，我明白它们是你的回忆。只是我一直都没有说，我其实很在乎你是不是还怀念过去，会不会拿我去和她们做比较，那样的话对我来说太不公平了。

不过现在我才明白，原来我们都在担心同一件事情。我想那是因为我们太在乎和珍惜彼此了吧。虽然我们来自不同的国家，你的眼睛是蓝色而我的是黑色，但是他们里面蕴涵着同样的真诚，善良和爱。我会永远张开我的双臂守护你，直到用尽最后一丝力气。你会为我做同样的事吗？

吻你，
思思

突破５００点！

哈哈哈～我的blog已经有５００次点击纪录了！好兴奋哦。不知道再要多久可以超过１０００，然后２０００。。。呵呵。。有点做白日梦的感觉，不过我真的很喜欢自己的blog，不仅仅是因为它纪录了我的人生起伏，SUN 201更代表着一种精神寄托，一种对生活的执著，我想这也是我可以一直坚持写下去的原因。２０１代表２１岁，就像大学里的科目序号一样，随着级别的增长课程也变得越来越复杂深奥。　SUN201会慢慢变成３０１，４０１。。。未来它会纪录些什么我不敢断定，但是它一定会很精彩，像阳光那样，永远散发着迷人的能量。

其实现在是上课时间，但是studio永远都是用来做别的事情的^^。我们现在都开始学坏了，像现在几乎所有的人都在开小差，我在写blog，有人在查网上的手机拍卖，有的在画漫画，我隔壁的老兄正在发呆，好像口水都要留出来了。。。哈哈。。。

不过现在学业真的好紧张，每天都是做不完的作业，看不完的书。今天的日语课我们学“ほしい””ほしがる”。老师问我“サンさん、今何が一番ほしい？”我说”寝る。。。Zzzzzz....”全班爆笑。。。不过我真的一点都没有夸张啊，现在只要能让我一次性美美的睡上１０个小时我就已经很满足了。

今天我的便当很不听话，居然在我的studio诱惑大家，结果我的三纹鱼差点都被贡献掉了。我的朋友提议我应该在设计室里外卖中餐便当给大家，哈哈。。。说不定可以很赚钱呢！说到中餐，我不明白为什么美国的中餐都有一种怪怪的味道，我的味觉都快要被摧毁了。美国人的饮食习惯和我们华人的真的好不同哦，所以体味也会不一样啊。最近我经常被大尉同学攻击说可以闻到我午餐的味道，真的好尴尬，而且很委屈，因为文化的不同而改变生活习惯真的是很难的一件事情。。。以后多用漱口水就好了。

明天又要搬家了，希望是最后一次！加油！

Orange Cafe and apple strudel

There’s a little café near UO campus owned by a Mexican family, called Café Roma. Because the interior walls are painted with different kinds of orange color (just like in Van Gogh’s painting ‘night café’), I like to call it orange café. I love the apple strudel they make. The sweetness of the strudel always makes me happier and less stressed. It’s one of those magic foods that help CiCi to survive from the busy schoolwork.

I had an hour break after my building construction class, between 10 to 11 today. So I decided to stop by the orange café to do some reading. I haven’t been there for the entire summer. A lot of things have been changed. They hired more people, made more kinds of dessert and changed all the artwork on the wall. It made me feel like I’ve been away for a long time.

As usual, I bought an apple strudel and a latte. My favorite spot in the café was right there waiting for me. Oh… lots of memories there… chatting with my friends on Friday afternoons, doing my sketches, reading…and most sweetly, I met my close someone there for the first time (and I had an apple strudel and a cup of latte with me that time…hhaa…always the same food). Anyways, I found my spot and started to read a book called ‘Great Street’ while listening to a CD that’s specially made for me. I enjoyed ‘restarting’ my day like that. Probably it’s the reason why I’m so efficient with my homework today. Jia You!

I can be happy easily just because of small things, such as an apple strudel. Sometimes, you can see me running and jumping around, giggling. My close someone says I’m such a silly little girl. I think the “silliness” helps me to enjoy my life everyday. I know there’re lots of challenges waiting for me ahead. So… keep smiling and move on ^^.

A new beginning

My school starts again and I’m back to the nocturnal life. It’s almost 2am now. My close someone is probably in deep sleep now because I can hear his light snoring from outside the door. I’ve just finished reading my Building Construction homework about brick masonry. It’s interesting to read lots of new stuffs about construction, but I don’t know how much I can remember from a late night reading when I keep checking the time and tell myself to hurry up to finish it and go to bed.

The transition between the summer and the new term wasn’t smooth for me. I’ve already felt like dying by Wednesday. Basically I’m taking class continuously from 9-5 everyday. Maybe it’s normal for working people, but forcing my brain to switch between different subjects every one or two hours everyday is a little bit overwhelming for me. Probably after getting use to it, I’ll feel more comfortable with it. But now, I’m just like a donkey on a mill. I keep working without knowing where I’m going.

It’s been a busy and tiring weekend. My class finished around 5pm on Friday (it’ll always be that late because my last class is an 4 hour arch studio). After that, my DWTX and I went for some ice cream, OREO blizzard, yeah… my all time favorite ice cream. There was no movie or party for Friday night. I had to do my reading assignments all the time. Saturday was the big moving day. We moved all of D’s stuff to our apartment. It finally feels like ‘our’ apartment, not just me alone in here. I was awarded with a ‘big American breakfast’ that I’ve always been thinking of when I was in KL that evening…yum yum…hahah…I woke up today after 11am. I needed that long sleep so much. But I had a horrible dream. I don’t want to write about it here, but it’s something that I’m so scared to let it really happen. I ran to my close someone’s room and crawl under his blanket. I think I scared him to wake him up like that. But I felt a lot safer and calmer after that. Ehh.. I need to relax…

Alright, I have to stop here. I’m going to a field trip to Portland tomorrow early in the morning for my arch studio. Hopefully I can sleep a little bit on the bus.

Wan An!