我的香格里拉

人们常说，神在关上门的时候，又在别处开了窗。可是，那扇为我开启的窗又在什么地方呢？在黑暗中不停地摸索着，却总是回到某个似乎熟悉的地方，永远找不到方向。

我一直被陷在几个没有答案的问题里，或许如果我不去想它，就自然而然的走出来了。但有时候人就是喜欢在做了荒唐到不能再荒唐的事以后又尝试找出其中的逻辑，最后只能让自己越来越痛苦。现在才发现，原来面对现实是这么困难的一件事，因为太多人都活得太不真实了。我经常有种像是被从梦中惊醒的感觉，仙境也好，梦魇也好，醒来总是一切都物是人非，觉得再一次被捉弄了，觉得一切都是骗人的。久而久之，我真的不知道还该不该相信什么了。我明白应该相信神对我的眷顾，但是他什么时候才能指给我我的香格里拉在什么地方？那个给我安全感，给我“家”的感觉的地方。

我隐约还记得，“家”曾经是我最珍贵的东西，好像还记得那种回到家去寻找避风港的感觉。现在我已经不知道家究竟是个什么东西了，它是个让我想起来就浑身发抖的地方，是个我一回去就会爆发地震海啸的港口。我常常站在那个门口挂着“收容所”的地方发呆，怀疑是不是踏进去了又会被强暴或是被抢得一干二净。尽管人们一次次地向我承诺不会再有不愉快的事发生，然而不是每次都是把我伤害到体无完肤的地步以后又装作什么都没发生一样吗？我的眼泪永远都是白流的，在他们为我拭干以后又会变本加厉的侮辱伤害我，还会反过来把所有的罪过都加在我头上。我的心永远都是白碎的，只能在暴风雨暂时平静以后自己一片一片从废墟里找出来粘好，再等待着下一次灾难的来临。在别人眼里我总是脆弱无能的，是不可理喻的。他们瞎了聋了吗？难道听不到看不到自己的所作所为吗？为什么大家都这么自私呢？

我和她通了２个小时的电话，但是我一点解脱的感觉都没有。我真的很迷茫，她认错了，难道这不是我想要的吗？但是我真的不愿意相信任何承诺了，我的家在５年前就消失了，再也回不来了。她总是说很多话不是认真的，不会有很严重的后遗症。但是当我想像那些翻过１４楼阳台或者跳到地铁里的瞬间的时候，我真的不认为我只是在“想着玩”。我并不想证明我成熟了或者我是清白的，我只是想结束我的迷惑。那个男人和那个女人，那种游戏，以后我们真的只能用那种欺骗自己的游戏来维持我们之间的关系了。

我还在继续寻找我的香格里拉，那扇上帝为我开启的门。

Words from my grandpa

This is my grandpa's writing, which he showed to me when I was in Beijing. He agreed that I can put it on my blog to share it with my readers. Hope you will like it.
..................................................

Dr. Hu-shie once had written, "I was asked by someone, 'Referring the question of love and marriage, what is the difference between the Westerners and Chinese?" I said to them, "The main difference is that, the Westers always make love at first then get married, while Chinese are the revers. They used to get merried first then love each other as long as they live." Such as saying might be suspected as the emphasizing of the concept of matrimonial monopoly by parents. However, families formed like thus in China have long been existing. Generally speaking, when people fall in love, they used to be attracted by the beauty or merits of the opposite party, as the Chinese proverb says, "in the eyes of a lover, Xi-Si (the most beautiful Chinese woman) appears." When the lovers get married, things go on may no be so smoothly as expected. Family conflict may arise here and there at any time. If these conflicts can not be settled promptly, their future prospect may not be so joyful. So, when people falls in love, no matter whether it lies before or after marriage, the key point is that, love must be endurable for life. This is our view-point concerning love and marriage.

As for our own case, our matrimonial union belongs basically to the Chinese old style. Our "love at first sight" lasted only a few weeks, while our married life extended as long as 70 years. According to our experience, married people want to be long living in harmony, they need to follow:
First of all, they must respect and trust each other.
Secondly, never pursuit those wealth and positions that is beyond one's ability, and never lose their self-respect when they are ill treated.
Thirdly, their altitude toward their children should be openly and fair.
That's all we could suggest.

Perhaps a set of brief statistics will tell how we have been getting along for these seventy years.
1. The family had moved 26 times.
2. The total mileage we had taken for family moving amount to 18,200km.
3. Our eldest daughter Lu-hua had attened 7 primary schools.
4. We had endured as "The Best family for 22 years.
5. 13 babies were born to this family.
6. 23 kinsfolk, mostly of the past generation had left this world.

There was a small temple called "The Old Man Under The Moon" on the hillside of the South Mountain, Hangchow. It says,
Heartily wish all lovers in the world to become husbands and wives at the end;
Don't let slip the lucky matrimony that had been matched in the Divine World.

Possibly, we are the pair that had been matched in the Divine World beforehand. Aren't we?
........................................................

I've never seen this "romantic" side of my grandpa before ^^. He's 93 right now and my grandma is 90. Wish they are happy together forever.

ps, I just graduated from high school in that pic... ehhhh... donno what to say... my friends used to call me piggy...

Days in Beijing

I’ve been back to Eugene for a week, and now is the time to write about my trip. I can’t remember every detail, but I’ll try my best to show you some interesting stories happened around me. Are you ready to travel with me?

After finishing my 3rd year Japanese classes in summer, I flew a long way across the Pacific Ocean to go back to my hometown, Beijing. The first impression I had after getting off the plane is…HOT! It was so hot and humid there and I felt hard to breath. Luckily I have air conditioner at home. Oh, my lovely cooler…I just need to simply push the button and it brings me right back to spring. Ho ho ho…

I woke up really early the next morning because of jet lag. So my mom took me to the breakfast place where I use to go when I was little to have the REAL Beijing style breakfast. My favorite food is called “Tofu brain”. Yes I know, it sounds scary, and I don’t know why people named it that way (it doesn’t look like brain at all). But it’s really yummy! It feels as smooth as silk and it melts in your mouth right away. Hummm… hungry… I had lots of good food in Beijing, from restaurant to home cooking stuff. I tried to taste everything I could think of to bring back my sense of flavor. It worked pretty well for most of my time spent in Beijing. But in the end I had to pay a big price for it, which I’ll tell you about it later in this post.

I was surprised to see that there’re so many people from else where coming to Beijing to look for jobs. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing though. Definitely, these people work very hard to own their livings. But Beijing is much more dirty and noisy than before. When I took buses to go to downtown, there’re always some people eating or talking really loud on the bus. I can tell from their accent that they’re not local. One day when I was shopping for clothes in a mall for small merchandise, I almost got kidnapped by a middle-aged woman! I was looking at some earrings and suddenly a sweaty hand behind me reached over to grab my arm. A woman with southern accent asked me complete some survey for her. Without me giving her permission, she started to drag me toward the elevator. She said we need to go to the second floor. As I was refusing her, I saw four guys standing by the elevator, nodding head to this woman. “What the F is going on?!” I pushed her away really hard and ran away. I could hear she was swearing at me, but who cares. It really freaked me out. Another time, I went to meet one of my friend’s sister. On the way back home, the bus had some mechanical problems. So we had to get off the bus and wait for the next one. As I was waiting with the crowd, I noticed a guy was always looking at me from several feet away. I tried to walk around to stay away from him. But he was following me everywhere! Finally, another bus came, and I managed to stay away from that guy. He wasn’t from our bus and refused to pay for the ticket. So he was kicked out of the bus right away. Ha! From then on, I never dare to go out by myself anymore. No matter how much my mom or dad complains, I always drag them with me everywhere.

I didn’t go to many places in Beijing. Most of the old buildings are under reconstruction. I went to “money box” to sing karaoke with my cousins. It was fun. I wish I could do it more. I also went to hang out with some old friends too. Knowing they’re all doing well, I felt really happy. But, my English teacher got stomach cancer. It was so shocking for me to hear about it. I meant to call him, but I was sick myself that time. I hope he can survive, or at least be happy everyday like he used to. He was really nice to all of us in high school. We all believe that he deserve to have a good life no matter where he would be. Talking about me being sick, maybe I ate too much in Beijing, I got enteritis and had to have IV for 2 days. I scared my parents because once I ate something I would vomit in no more than 15 min (not to mention the diarrhea). I think I’ve lost some weight since then because I couldn’t eat normally. I’m fine right now. I went back to my normal diet, but still being careful of what I’m eating. Ehhh… hungry…

My most memorable moment for this trip was when my parents saw me off at the airport. Mom said she’ll miss me a lot and she apologize for not being nice sometimes. They both hope when next time I visit home, it’ll be a happy trip for me. “Remember you always have a home to go back to” I couldn’t help crying when I heard my parents saying it. I know I love them from the bottom of my heart. And they love me very much too.

When the plane landed in Portland, I felt like I was waking up from a dream. I’m back to reality and need to get ready to struggle in “my world” again. As I pushed the cart loaded with my luggage entering the arriving hall, I saw people crowding up, anxiously waiting for their families or friends. Then, I saw a white shadow among the crowd, like an angel. The figure got much clearer as I moved closer… It’s my DWTX! He came to the airport an hour early than we planned! It was definitely a successful surprise. We "squished" each other really hard till I couldn't breath…

Now, my holiday is officially ended. I’ll start my building structure workshop tomorrow in order to take the “static and strength of material” course and the rest of structure classes in the coming school year. Jia You! Yeah!

ps, the picture is a "toy" I used to play when I was a little kid. It's still there in the same old park at that same old spot! And it's still working! I used to climb up and down, inside and outside of that thing while it's spinning...muhahahaaa...

Thoughts from Beijing

I've just came back to Eugene on Sunday. I'm still dealing with jet-leg, but it's not too bad. Here's some writing I did when I was at home, mostly depressing (I basically write only when I'm depressed, hehehe...). Maybe some words sound too harsh. It's not what I really mean to say. I was in a very bad mood. Anyways, enjoy...


Prediction
08/29/2006 4:52pm

The show of my family has never stopped. I assume a big show is coming up soon. I heard that this time, it would be a big production with a fantastic team of actor and actress. Even though the posters haven’t been published, some rumors have been passed out. People said the show would be as powerful as hurricane and earthquake. Today, when I was walking on the street, I heard the leading actors practicing on the 5th floor. I didn’t want to disturb them, so I stood down stairs to listen. The theme is basic about a family of three. The father works at a place far away from home. The mother always fights with him because she thought he couldn’t take care of the family. The daughter just came home from another far away country. She visits home every summer. Since the family is always “on fire”, no one wants to be together with each other. The mother warns if father comes home, she’ll disappear and never come back. The father shout that he doesn’t care, he just wants to spend some time with the daughter. On the other hand, the daughter is on the edge of turning crazing. All she wants to do is to run away from her parents. But she also understands if she breaks up the relationship with her family, her life would be very difficult in the future. So, the three of them play a very complicated game with each other. Each with a different purpose in their twisting heart, no one knows who will be the next winner. Maybe all of them will be destroyed.

That’s the story of my family. When I came home from my grandparents’ place, I heard my mom yelling on the phone to my dad. Our downstairs neighbors probably heard the fight too, because they turned up their TV volume really loud. Mom said if Dad comes home to see us, she’d kill herself. I could probably understand that since I truly believe that they don’t fit together. But there’s something she said that really hurt me. She thinks Dad not coming back to see me off at the airport wouldn’t be a problem. She still sees me as a child, and child doesn’t have heart-breaking problems. I was standing outside our door and listening to her “great speech”. I really wanted to kick open the door and grab her head to knock it on the wall like how it appeared in my dreams. There could never been a person who’s more selfish then her. Why she doesn’t understand that, because of her, more than five years of fear and hate has been planted deeply in my mind. My biggest wish is to make her disappear. No matter how well she acts in front of me, she still discus me. I’m sorry, Mom, I hate you.

I start to realize I don’t know my dad at all. What is he thinking? What’s his plan? Is he on the right track of what he’s doing right now? Even though I don’t want to think about this, but will he be able to support me financially till I graduate from college? I feel my life is always in control of someone else. I have no idea what’s going to happen to it. I know that my thought is very narrow minded, but I have to make a lot of money in the future. That way I can make a lot of people shut up and get out of my life.




My Old Piano
08/26/2006 7:10pm

It took me a lot of effort to uncover my old piano and played it again. The sound of the piano was really ugly. Even though the keys are just slightly out of tune, it feels like they are trying to saw my ears off like sharp knives. I didn’t want to play my old piano at first. I was afraid it would ruin my beautiful memory of my childhood with the piano. I spent so much time with it when I was a little girl. To me, it was my best friend who understands me the most. But finally I played it, because I know that I have to admit to the fact that things change through time. No, I should say, I’ve changed too much. It’s impossible to avoid growing up. The piano is still the same old one. It has always been slightly out of tune. But I’ve played much better ones, like a 9 feet grand piano. It’s painful to see my most precious thing is no longer attractive to me. My piano still shines in my memory, but I need to turn to a new page and look for new values in my life.

I like to go through old stuffs. I don’t know why I’m attracted to history and memories so much. I went through the old pictures of my family again. A lot of people on the picture are no longer in this living world. But they still look so real on the picture. Sometime I wish time would freeze at one moment forever. But I have so many moment I want to keep fresh, such as when my mom took the 3-year-old me out to the park downstairs to enjoy the afternoon sunshine in winter, or when the audience claps for me after my piano performance, and maybe when I fell asleep in the arms of my someone while we watch movies on Friday nights.

我想我可能是一个很胆小的人。不然为什么会如此依恋回忆呢？也许我是因为害怕未来太多的变数才变得多虑和抑郁。只有记忆是无法改变的，是安全与准确的。我很想知道神为什么赐予我这样一个敏感又不自信的灵魂，在他刚刚创造我的时候似乎并不满意他的手笔，我生长得过于快乐了，于是他又特意为我量身定做了很多“磨难”，使我终于成为现在这个样子，我想他应该也是终于满意了吧。。。可是神哪，你知道我有多想像正常人一样自由的生活吗？我只想用简单的眼光来看待这个世界，然后勇敢的去做我想做的事情。我只怕我的“深思熟虑”有一天会毁了我的。你究竟是安排了怎样的生命给我呢？

I have a lot of “instant thoughts”. But I’m not fast enough to write it down or tell someone else. Maybe only God knows what I’m thinking. I believe he will guide me safely through my life.



Away From My world
08/15/06 4:09pm

People always say that home is the most important place for everyone. We call those who wonder around streets with a “need help” sign “homeless” people, but never “ houseless”. According to my Human Context professor, home is a complicated term. It’s not just a place for us to stay. Our memories, emotions, in general our lives started from home and hopefully will end at home as well.

Home is a place you feel most comfortable with and where your heart would be. It doesn’t have to include family sometimes. Time passes and people change. I realize when I come back to visit that hometown is no longer my home anymore. Even though two year is not a long time, but it feels like that I’ve been away for centuries. The houses and trees are still the same. People gather under shades and play mahjong like they always do. But I see different things. I smell gunpowder in the air every second. People seem like they can’t live without hating each other. Maybe it’s just how their world works. But I don’t belong there and I will never understand the logic of it.

My someone always say that it’s a good thing for me to be with my family for a while. But really, I’m just doing my responsibility, like how he does it. Chinese are always proud of our culture that we are strongly bounded to our family. But I feel most of the time that the bound isn’t from our heart. It’s more of a prison of our tradition where we lock ourselves in. If you ask a Chinese why he loves his family, he would say, “because he’s my father and she’s my mother”. That isn’t love. That’s just a responsibility, a payback of our dept.

I used to love my family very much, so much that I can’t even describe with words. After all these years of fighting and quarrelling, I feel live has played a big joke with me. I woke up from my dream and realized that everything is so far away from what I used to believe. I know if my parents, especially my dad know what I’m thinking, his heart will break into pieces. But I can’t live for others. Nothing is perfect. I can’t avoid disappointing people sometimes. Unfortunately, my family might be the people who disappoint the most.

Life is so interesting. As I’m typing this page, my parents are sitting next to me and watching TV. They would probably never understand what I’m thinking. I don’t want them to know about it either, because it’s like a bomb we plant together. If it goes off one day, the power would be even stronger than those planted on the airplane going to the States. I don’t want to be the trigger of this bomb that can go off anytime. I wish I were waken up a little earlier from my dream. Then I wouldn’t be so confused about what’s happening to me but so clear about what I’m doing right now.

To my special someone, I miss you. I wish tomorrow when I open my eyes, I would be in your arms again. Are you missing me? Would you dream about me sometimes? I need your help to calm me down and support me. I promise I won’t hurt myself again. Please wait for me to go back and face this strange world together.

Lord, please be my guide and keep me safe.