Merdeka Malaysia

Tomorrow is the national holiday in Malaysia. Everyone has the day off from work and school. I still don’t know where I can go tomorrow. Maybe we’ll just, as the Malaysian Chinese say, “go swimming in the car-river”, meaning going out for a drive. Every summer break I spent in Malaysia, the days after the national holiday went really quick. So I learned that I have to prepare for going back to school and get my life busy again when September starts. This time won’t be an exception. Moreover, my dwtx is waiting for me on the other side of the ocean. I’ll surely gather all my energy and enthusiasm to take the next step of my life after this nice and long holiday^^. Jia You! Yay!

I practiced Yellow River with my dad’s friend again. Eerrrr!!! He didn’t practice on his own at all. And that makes me so ANGRY-CI. I took a metronome with me to the piano shop. We played with a very sloooooooow tempo because I want to keep it steady. But that guy didn’t listen to the metronome at all and messed up everything. I really wanted to tell him not to waste my time when he’s not prepared. But he’s my dad’s friend…I can’t be too impolite to that ‘uncle’. So, my poor rental piano was qi-fued by CCTX so much after she came home this afternoon. Ehhh…

Alright, time to Zzzz.. Hopefully today I won’t dream anything like failing my exam or not finishing my model on time. I’ve been having this kind of dream almost every night. I guess it’s really the time to go back to school. Hhee…

(post update: heheheee… when I was just about to put this post on my blog, the firework show started! There were 3 different spots in KL playing fireworks at the same time! I can see all of them from my apartment ‘cos it’s on a hill. Wohooo.. nice… It reminded me the firework I watched with my ‘close someone’ in Portland. ^^ )

New hair style

Do you like my new hair style? Hheee… I finally got my hair cut today at ‘A Cut Above’, by a senior stylist, Jojo Ong. And I high-lighted my hair with golden chocolate color too. Maybe it’s difficult to see the color in the picture, but it’s really shinny kind of brown under the sunlight. Even though I had to sit in the salon for 2 and a half hour to get my hair done, I’m really REALLY happy about the result. Hhoo…I can’t wait to go back to school and show it to DWTX!

But when I came out of the salon, I saw something really unpleasant. A family from Middle East was taking the escalator down from the upper floor. One of their sons is only about 3 years old. He’s obviously too young to take the escalator by himself. When he reached the floor level, he was trying to step forward to the ground, but he can’t move fast enough. He fell down… his dad picked him up by pulling one of his arms and… started to kick him! I just couldn’t believe my eyes. Instead of helping his kid, the father beat the boy for not learning things quick enough. I really wanted to walk to this irresponsible man and punch him right into his face! The good thing was that some Malaysian passed by stopped him and blamed him for his action. Errr… CiCi hates to see adults beating their kids!

I'm a selfish, evil, f***ing little buster

I got a new name, as it’s shown in the title! Wohoo! I like new names and this one is especially great! My mom gave it to me today. Wooo… she’s such a creative and poetic name creator. The new name she gave me vividly portraits who I am.

I think she hates me and gives me the name for several reasons. They might not be all, but surely they’re important.

a) I AM SELFISH.
As I’m growing up, I’m developing my own way of thinking. When people are young, they listen to what adults tell them. They treat the second hand information as truth. But when they grow up, they start to realize that there’re other ways to look at things. What the older people say is not all correct. Like me, I find it more and more difficult to communicate with my mom. I think she’s always the way she is, but I’ve grown and seen her mistakes. I understand that nobody is perfect. I’m trying to avoid problem by simply listening to her complain but not giving any respond (I can’t respond, because once I say something, I’m going to piss her off). But even that she’ll think I’m selfish and I’m ignoring her. I mean, come on~ I just don’t want to start a fight every other day. Why would she try to turn everyone against her?

b) I LEARN TO REBEL
Even dogs know they have to bite the people who are trying to beat them. As a human, of course I would fight back if you’re trying to harm me. And that’s not only to stop you from bother me, I’ll completely destroy you so you don’t have any ability to even think of bothering me. I think I’m really bad at hiding my emotions. Everything just shows on my face right away. Right, I think it’s my stupid face makes my mom going mad. I don’t have to say anything; just looking at my face would make her mad. I must have some super power…heheee… But really, if she would slap me (as she promised she would do it, for pissing her off next time), then I promise her I would slap her back and break her face. Don’t think I’m like a kid to say something like that. She’s really making me crazy. She’s testing my limitation to bear all these none sense craziness.

c) I AM CREATING A BAD ‘PUBLIC IMAGE’ FOR HER
I don’t know why she has this feeling that I’m telling all the bad stuffs about her to other people, especially to my ‘closed someone’. I feel it’s really ridiculous. It’s like you feed me shit and I have to thank you for offering me such nice food! I think if there’s really someone turned me against her, it’s not anyone else but herself. I mean, I tried! I really tried to be nice to her but she doesn't take it. I understand that women at this age would have difficulties to deal with their emotions. But I hate those people who tell others not to say anything bad about them after they’ve done terrible things. If you care about your image so much, why don’t you protect it instead of trying to rebuild it after it’s all destroyed?

So, for the above reasons, I got my new name. And now she’s coming back to apologize and “request” me not to tell what happened to my dad. Eehhhh… what can I say? I just watch her action like watching a clown – laugh at it and walk away.

This is my true feeling. I’m not afraid to show it to others. Even if my mom is able to understand what I wrote one day, I’ll still stand in front of her and tell her this is how I look at her, just like today she told me “who I really am”. It’s really easy to hurt your family and once you leave a scar on someone’s heart, it’ll never heal, NEVER!

KL F1

I finally finished the drawing tonight (I was too lazy to pick up my drafting pen..hhee...) and I can publish my new story now. Thanks very much to DWTX who composed the story and wrote a preview for me. ^^

So, here's the story...

I went to Ikea yesterday

the taxi driver was like a F-1 racer. it's about 25KM from my apt to Ikea. He took only 15-16 mins to get there...

(for our american readers, thats about 60mph)

the road was busy. So he drove the car and... I don't know how to say it.. but it felt really scary..
but KL is famous for traffic jam. so 60mph is pretty scary... actually people all drive crazily today. I dont' know why.. oh... cici had her seat belt on.. she was holding the handle on the door... and she was screaming in her heart.

how do you call the thing on the front wondow of the car? the one you use to clean the rain... windshield wipers.

so cici's body was moving like windshield wipers in the car

with eyes open wide..

O_O

Finally, though, Cici arrived at Ikea, with legs shaking.. i paid and went window shopping. Did I take a taxi home? No way! my dad came to pick me up and we went to have seafood for dinner.

=X_X=

I went to swim this afternoon and here's what happened..
-click on the picture to see a larger view-

Nightfall KL

I haven’t written anything these days, because everything seems the same from Monday to Sunday. I open my eyes every morning, thinking, “Alright, it’s another ‘yesterday’ or ‘the day before yesterday’”. I repeat doing the same things everyday like a robot following its program. But, maybe I should think that my life is more organized this way.

Today before 6pm, I was in my ‘program’ as usual. I practiced piano, watched TV, went to the gym… Then I decide to break the routine. I rushed back to my room and put on my swimsuit. Even though the sunshine was still dancing crazily outside, I jumped into the swimming pool without any hesitation. “Aaahhhh…” the water was cool enough to wake me up from the heat. I did several laps and then just flow on the water to enjoy the late afternoon. The nightfall in KL is really beautiful, like a piece of artwork. It’s too bad that my camera couldn’t catch the color correctly. Everything was dyed with golden tone. I remember the sunset in Eugene is purple. Here in KL, things look more alive during nightfall.

Somehow, many memories came back to me when I was in the pool, good and bad ones. Then I felt it’s really nice to be alive. I knew this sounds weird, but really, when I thought about what I’ve experienced, I became more curious about what would happen to me in the future. I’ve always got hope, because I was all time curious-Ci. There were definitely downtimes and I’ve been really lost and frustrated. But life always goes on, no matter if I like it or not. After going through difficulties, I got more energy and confidence. Even if I failed, I knew I tried my best.

So, there’s nothing I can’t go through. It’s the matter of whether I want to try to face it. I’m not saying that I’m able to do everything. I just don’t want to regret about opportunities and possible success I missed when I have to close my eyes forever. And I know that there’re many people- my family, my close someone, my friends care about me and support me. They are my treasure for taking this life journey.

I like one sentence my high school English teacher told me, “We all started with zero. So we have nothing to loose. Whatever happens to you, you’re always gaining.”

Just some random thoughts… really random…

Afternoon Fantasy

Pang Pang!…Pangpangpang…!!! “Eerr! Why I never get it right!” Pongpong.. “Ouch! ..oh.. my fingers”

You might wonder what CiCi is doing. Well, like in the picture, CiCi’s practicing piano. Or, probably she’s more like ‘breaking’ her piano. Hei hei hei…Every afternoon she tortures her piano for two hours.

I’m doing a 4-hand-piano Chinese song called Huang He (Yellow River) with one of my dad’s friend, Gregory. Tomorrow afternoon, we’ll get together at Wargna shop to practice. Gregory is the kind of pianist who can get so hyper during performing and starts to mess up the music. So my job (this is what he told me) is to keep him on the same tempo through out the whole piece. Yeah…Cici likes to be the controller. Hhoo..^^

Yellow River was composed during WWII. It was a song to encourage Chinese people to fight against Japanese army and protect our country. It’s a very powerful and beautiful song. 60 years ago, on August 15th, Japan declared that they lost the war. Today, 8.15.05, the Japanese prime minister apologized for the damages Japanese had done to Asians. I think Chinese people and all other Asians whose families and friends were lost during the war would feel eased in their heart. Those who died would let their spirit calm and live happily in the other world.

I talked to my DWTX today. Every time when I hear his voice, it feels like drinking hot chocolate, warm and sweet. Hehehe…^^ I was looking at the world map this evening. Malaysia looks so far away from Portland… I’ll go back to my other home a month later. Ehh…it’s going to be loooooong journey… Jia You! Yay!

Lullaby

A story from DWTX, for CiCi to Zzzz...

D: wanna hear a story?

C:   yes

D: Yesterday, when I was getting ready to leave work, I put cici in my pocket as usual. Except when I went out to my car, I realized that she was screaming

C: ....

D:   So, i took her out of my pocket to figure out what was wrong, and I saw that she had fainted. So I splashed some water on her from my water bottle.

C:   x_X

D:   She woke up a little and said in a very dry and rough voice, "need... water..." So I let her drink from my water bottle. It was a very hot day, so I thought she must have been overheated. Anyway, when she was drinking from my water bottle, she fell inside!  I thought, "Oh no! my cici is going to drown!"

C:   >.<

D:   But then I looked more closely, and I saw that she was ok. She was swimming in my water bottle!

C:   T.T

D:   And she looked really, really happy.

C:   ^^

D:   It was, after all, a really hot day...

THE END

C:   hahaa... can I put this story on my blog? I love it!

D:  ya

C: Yeah~ ^^V

七夕节

Don’t be scared by my photo for today lah~ Hhee.. The mask is actually for the smoke in K.L., not because CiCi’s disease-ci. The smoke in KL is getting more terrible. It’s said that this time the smoke is the worst in history record. Many people start to have headache and sore throat. Some people even vomit. Schools are all on holiday. Everyone is wearing mask outside.

CiCi is so sick today. She had fever this afternoon. But CiCi’s mom was taking care of her the whole day. She had really tasty noodle for dinner. CiCi’s dad came back from work early today. He held CiCi and told her stories. They went to super market to buy fruit for CiCi even though it’s so smoky outside. Finally CiCi felt the love from the stone and sand face again.

Today is the Chinese Valentine’s Day. Every July 7th (Chinese lunar calendar) we celebrate our valentine’s day to remember the beautiful legend of two lovers. It was said that thousands of years ago, the King of Heaven’s youngest daughter fell in love with a farmer. It was strongly forbidden for a goddess to have connections with human being. So the King of Heaven punished his daughter to be separated from the farmer. They can only meet each other once a year, on July 7th. Therefore, that day became our valentine’s day.

7/7 day, my special someone is at the other side of the ocean. Even though I know I’m going to see him again very soon, I still feel a little bit lonely. I remember on the westerner’s valentines day, I got my first rose and first box of chocolate from DWTX. I felt so special because I’ve never received anything like that before. I dried the rose and I’m going to make an artwork with it. I want to keep it as long as I can.

Happy 7.7 valentine’s day.

loser

I tried several titles for today’s post. I think this one is the best. But I don’t know who is the main character of my writing this time. Probably three of us in the family are all losers.

I’m not going to talk about others in my family. I don’t have the right to do that. I’m just talking about myself, my story, and my life.

I just turned 21. For 80% of my life, especially the recent 4 years, all I remember are two faces. One of them is made of stone. For some unknown reason, it has cracked all over since I saw it. Because of the crack, the face always looks scary to me and I’m afraid to approach it. The other face is made of sand, soft and beautiful. But the sand is too soft. The face has lost its shape. I tried to touch it, but the sand all slipped through my fingers like a piece of silk.

Therefore I turned myself into water, because water can smooth the crack surface of stone, and make the sand firmer. But I couldn’t make it. The water dried on the stone and soaked into deeper layer of the sand. Then, water realized because she’s lack of one thing, she couldn’t bound the three of them together. She’s doesn’t have cement - the trust and understanding inside a family. The mixture of sand, stone, water and cement is concrete, the strongest material for building anything. It won’t break no matter how you press or stretch it.

Water is so frustrated. She tried to find cement everywhere, but she failed. The stone face cracked more and sand face keeps losing its shape. Water started to cry but no one notices it, because she’s water. The stone face blames water that water doesn’t help her to smooth her surface. The sand face blames water that water makes him more out of shape.

Now, water just wants to find a sunny place and dry herself up. Maybe the summer breeze would take her steam somewhere else, somewhere she would never see stone and sand again...

It's got to end this way

I don’t know why I still have the courage to write. I can hear the sharp sound of glass breaking in my head going over and over again. I wish I can open my head and clean the broken glass out, but I can’t. I see myself collapse, falling into pieces.

I’m scared. I’m scared of that empty eyes looking straight at me… that pair of skeleton hands grabbing my arms… and that shaking voice trying to attack my right ear…

5pm-10pm, I bought 3 cups of coffee for her. I think it made her more excited than she planned to be.
5pm-10pm, my back was aching so bad for sitting on a Starbucks chair for that long. My head was cracking for listening to a shaking voice for that long. Even my left ear was complaining to me that she couldn’t stand the noise even though she can’t hear anything. I heard blood dripping from my heart…like…patta…patta…

Dad, when are you going to take her to hospital? Am I going with her too?
Dad, why do you allow her to slap you? Do you know that sound is like a knife poking my heart?
Dad, please send me back to school. If I become cold-blooded, will you still love me?

But, I had a dream last night. I was trying so hard to catch the plane going back to school. I felt into a river. I needed to swim across it and go to the airport. But I drown in the end.
Will I be brave enough to live through all these till I go back? Why does it have to be this way?

I got a package of medicine from my loved one on the other side of the earth. Pain killers… one for my teeth and one for my mind. Thanks for all the help, hon. I hope you will see the same CiCi 2 months later. I’ll try. I tried your advice. I tried to be away from the trouble, but I failed. Every time when I want to run away, she pulls me back and makes me suffer more. I wish I’m deaf and blind. Then, no one is going to do anything to me.

午夜，我用眼泪来祭奠我失去的每一天，那些我曾经拥有的欢声笑语和美丽的梦。我真的不明白，为什么我从来没有我所向往的自由，永远是被束缚着，精神上被束缚着，为了守护别人的尊严和人格而丢掉自己的，任人践踏。我曾经认为是对我像生命一样重要的家，原来都是骗人的。哪里才是我的归宿，我一点也不知道了。是谁毁了我的信念，她为什么这么无情？她生下我，又想把我毁掉。是她不中意她的作品吗？还是她根本也没有能力去完成一件作品？我想活下去，快乐的活下去。我才２１岁，我的生命里还有好多好多故事都没有写，请不要就这样让它结束吧。　

头痛，却睡不着。

Smoky Malaysia

Today, K.L. is so smoky. There must be a forest fire somewhere again. The news said the air clearness is only 4km. The entire city smells like a piece of burning rubber. Hopefully it’ll rain soon, so the smoke could be washed away. It hasn’t rain for a long time in KL… so HOT…

I went to the working site today, where my dad is doing his residential housing project for the army in KL. Ha! It was so fun. I got a chance to wear safety helmet and shoes again. Dad took me around the site and showed me three different kinds of housing design they are working on. He taught me some basic rules of constructing a house, like how to make post-and-lintel structure, and how to do reinforced concrete. I mean, it was just so fun to go back to a working site again after growing older. I’m able to understand how things work now. It’s also good for my design experience because I get to hear workers complaining how difficult it is to do some part of the construction such as a round shape balcony. No wonder why architects and contractors are fighting all the time during a project. There’s always problem when you want to transform something in your mind into reality. And that’s the challenging part that interests me. The days I’ll spend on the working site is not for me to learn how to avoid the problem, but to face it later in my own practice. Nice~

CiCi was just too excited about the working site. She went to climb on everything that she can, the ladders, concrete pipes, and even rooftop. Hhoo.. monkey-ci. She had fun. But after she went home, her mom complained that her jeans got too dirty. Heeheehee…