It's got to end this way

I don’t know why I still have the courage to write. I can hear the sharp sound of glass breaking in my head going over and over again. I wish I can open my head and clean the broken glass out, but I can’t. I see myself collapse, falling into pieces.

I’m scared. I’m scared of that empty eyes looking straight at me… that pair of skeleton hands grabbing my arms… and that shaking voice trying to attack my right ear…

5pm-10pm, I bought 3 cups of coffee for her. I think it made her more excited than she planned to be.
5pm-10pm, my back was aching so bad for sitting on a Starbucks chair for that long. My head was cracking for listening to a shaking voice for that long. Even my left ear was complaining to me that she couldn’t stand the noise even though she can’t hear anything. I heard blood dripping from my heart…like…patta…patta…

Dad, when are you going to take her to hospital? Am I going with her too?
Dad, why do you allow her to slap you? Do you know that sound is like a knife poking my heart?
Dad, please send me back to school. If I become cold-blooded, will you still love me?

But, I had a dream last night. I was trying so hard to catch the plane going back to school. I felt into a river. I needed to swim across it and go to the airport. But I drown in the end.
Will I be brave enough to live through all these till I go back? Why does it have to be this way?

I got a package of medicine from my loved one on the other side of the earth. Pain killers… one for my teeth and one for my mind. Thanks for all the help, hon. I hope you will see the same CiCi 2 months later. I’ll try. I tried your advice. I tried to be away from the trouble, but I failed. Every time when I want to run away, she pulls me back and makes me suffer more. I wish I’m deaf and blind. Then, no one is going to do anything to me.

午夜，我用眼泪来祭奠我失去的每一天，那些我曾经拥有的欢声笑语和美丽的梦。我真的不明白，为什么我从来没有我所向往的自由，永远是被束缚着，精神上被束缚着，为了守护别人的尊严和人格而丢掉自己的，任人践踏。我曾经认为是对我像生命一样重要的家，原来都是骗人的。哪里才是我的归宿，我一点也不知道了。是谁毁了我的信念，她为什么这么无情？她生下我，又想把我毁掉。是她不中意她的作品吗？还是她根本也没有能力去完成一件作品？我想活下去，快乐的活下去。我才２１岁，我的生命里还有好多好多故事都没有写，请不要就这样让它结束吧。　

头痛，却睡不着。