W T F

This post was originally in Chinese. But I gave up when I was half way done. I always thought I could compose some beautiful words in my native language. I guess I was wrong. I can no longer handle my mother language to match with my more matured thinking anymore. So sad…

I’m so tired of my life. I’m done with more than half of this school year, and when I look back, all I see is dealing with endless problems from school and living. These problems never helped me to learn anything, except wasting my time. I kept hoping and dreaming about things I want. But I always end up with disappointment and heart breaking. I remember when last summer started, I counted the days and wait for the time to go home. I thought I missed my family and that’s where I belong. I finally made it home, but what’s waiting for me was such a big mess. I was angry, embarrassed and hoping that my family could break apart so that each of us would have a separate but peaceful life. Then I started to count the days again, for going back to school this time. I thought everything would be better once I go back. After making through airplanes, trains and buses, I was “home”, another home, an empty apartment that I had just moved into. With helps from some of my friends, I moved all my stuffs into the new apartment. I was so exhausted. After all that lifting, cleaning, unpacking, whatsoever, I still couldn’t sleep for 2 nights because of jetlag. I asked myself that if this is what I wanted. I was so lost. I don’t know where I can go to find some help. I tried my best, but why can’t I just have a moment to enjoy something, anything from my life.

School started soon after I came back to Eugene. The first day was exciting, because my someone was coming back from a short trip to Japan. He looked tired, but at least happy about his trip. I was jealoused. I could never be like him, going for the thing he wants no matter what it takes. I think my personality makes me not enjoying my life as I should be. I always worry about the outcome of my decision, and I always want to be the best. And I know that is impossible because I’m not a genius. Anyways, starting the second year in the architecture program, I realized I have to be very good at handling some stupid professors and their stupid classes. It was a tough job for me since I don’t like to tolerant with people who has low abilities for handling things. However, I’m a student and if I want to get that piece of paper that shows my knowledge, I need to follow the rules. I’ve done so much meaningless works. Sometimes, the words from teachers or students just make me want to twist their heads off and wash them in the toilet. I could have learned so much more in a better school. But, my SAT score was not high enough to put me into those schools, nor do I have that much money to pay the tuition (when I took the SAT test, I’ve only used English in my daily life for a year, what do you expect?). No one to blame except myself.

Fortunately, I was able to have a nice trip to Canada during winter break. Me and my someone headed north to Seattle-Vancouver-Victoria and back. My trip almost stopped at Vancouver. But under my strong determination, we got on the ferry going to Victoria. I thought I wasn’t there just for hanging out with my someone’s friend. I mean, it was fun, but that was not the reason why I was there. If I can’t even make my trip to be my own one, I’m such a big loser. I remember my someone said after the trip that since he got the full refund of his air ticket, he was fine with the “extra” part of our trip. I was thinking, oh, the refund… did I get any ‘thank you’ from him? I didn’t remember, but I would think he had.

So, here I am, struggling with the eighth week of winter term. Three out of the four classes that I’m taking are ridiculous. The course itself would be interesting if we have some professors that know what they’re teaching. I got my recent midterm from Renaissance Architecture History. My lovely British professor gave me a D-. He also offered me to visit his office because he thought I didn’t understand his lecture and I didn’t put enough effort in his class. Well, if 8 hours of study group and countless times for memorizing those names and years doesn’t count for effort, I really don’t know what else I should do to pass this class.

I don’t know what I should look forward to. I guess I should just go through each day without too much thinking until I get out of this cage. Don’t expect too much so that I won’t be too disappointed. That’s right.