4pm, I had my first and probably the only meal for today. I was surprised that she would get up from her bed and cook. I wasn’t hungry, so I just ate half bowl of rice with a little bit vegetable. I had this weird feeling that she must have put poison in the food. I watched her taking the first bite and swallowed it. Nothing happened. So I started to eat. My thoughts scared me. I even thought about how to save my life if there really is poison in my food. Why would I think my own mother wants to kill me? Isn’t it a tragedy that a mother abused her child mentally for so long and so hard till the kid has the fear of dying in the mother’s hands?
I spent some time reading my old journals this afternoon. I have no pleasant memory staying at home this summer, not at all. My dad is busy all the time on the working site. He stays outside more than 12 hours everyday. My mom always gets crazy. When she’s like that, I just leave her alone and lock myself in my room. Probably the only good time is when I talk to my close someone on the phone. He likes to ask me to tell him stories. But honey I have no funny story for you. Have you noticed that our conversation is always about how nasty my family gets? And did you see that when I try to think of some other things to tell you, you always sounded lost because I don’t even know how to make those stupid things sounds more interesting. Honey, please don’t say that I should go out when my mother gets crazy again. You don’t understand, if I step out the house once, probably I would never be able to come in again. I remember I had a really terrible fight with her when I was only 14. She let me stand outside the door for almost the whole night. It was a cold winter and I was only wearing my pajamas…
Mentally I live my life like a prisoner. I put myself behind the bars. Only I can free myself but I’m afraid to do so. I was well protected when I was little and I had a strong bound with my family (at least I thought so). I thought no mater what happened I could always find support from my family. I need that mental/spiritual protection. But now I’m confused. I’m not sure if my family can provide me the spiritual support anymore. I don’t know if I should stay away to have a real life of my own. I read an article saying that our fear and guilt keeps us away from letting go the problem and start over again. But I don’t know what I fear of or feel guilty about.
A prisoner finished his time stay in the jail and he was set to be free. But he begged the police to let him stay in the prison. The police asked him why he wants to stay instead of having his freedom and he answered, “I have food to eat here. I can work in the boot camp to earn some money. But once you kick me out, I have no way to live. Instead of freedom, I choose to be alive.”
This is a story my friend told me long time ago. I just simply like it, even though it has nothing to do with my situation.
2 comments:
You're afraid to let go. Its understandable that you want to stay in a situation you are familiar with, even if that situation hurts sometimes. But it takes more courage to walk away from something into uncharted territory than it does to stay in a comfortable (albeit HARMFUL) environment.
I know you'll make good choices for yourself. Just hang in there and never give up!
As Savvy says, often we continue with a situation because we at least know what to expect. The prospect of change can hold incredible angst for us.
There are times when we just have to get up and move on. Change is always scary, but also holds the promise of unforseen benefits too. For me, the most frightening changes have been the most rewarding, often for unforseen reasons
Go in Grace *S*
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