Ramdom

When I read the so-called “random stuff” on others’ blogs, I’m deeply impressed by their thoughts and philosophy about the world. Most of the writings don’t seem to be randomly composed at all. They’re very logical and well organized. But today, I’m going to do the real random writing, with wrong spellings, grammar or whatever, just to spill out the poison in my mind before it makes me too sick.

Chinese New Year is coming right in front of my nose (Well, that’s a Chinese expression. If you don’t understand it, that’s fine. I’m just writing this to myself anyway.) Actually, tomorrow will be the New Year’s Eve. The big family (I’m talking about 20 something people) is getting together at my grandparents’ house and preparing the celebration. But I’m not part of it. It kind of surprised me that I’m not really interested in what they are doing or how fun it would be. I even think calling the family on New Year’s Day is just a duty for me, not that I miss them. After all, I’ve been here for 2 and half year and will be remained here for at least another 2 and half. Many things have been washed away from me by the stream of time. I’ll visit occasionally, but the place is no longer what I can call it home. And I understand this situation is not reversible. Moving to another place to look for better life is not like changing clothes, once you step onto the road, there’s no way to go back, unless you want to give up all you’ve been doing and start from the beginning again.

So, basically, mentally, I feel like a homeless person. I have a place to stay. Actually it’s quite a nice place for an international college student. But this place is like the refugee shelter. I’m only allowed to stay here while I’m in college. What’s comes next after I graduate? Who knows… Maybe some people would say “well, it’s the same with all college students that they’re trying to figure out what kind of life they’ll have”. But you need to understand, it takes so much more effort for a foreigner to survive than a native. I don’t have much choice. Wal-mart is not going to help me to get a working visa or green card. I need to get into a strong design team in a good architecture firm if I want to stay here and built up a stable career. Well, all that is uncertain. My only bet is to do as best as I can in school and train myself to be a good designer (not those crazy ‘carpenters’ you see on TV). I really hate it when I have too much uncertainty and can’t control it. But life is like this. You just got to be smart enough come up with ways to adjust yourself all the time.

My academic work is taking so much of my time, so that my social interaction with people is almost blank. The only people I know are classmates in the architecture school. But few of us are very close friends since everyone is so concentrated on his/her own study. I noticed I started to have emotional problems when I became 21. But I don’t have anyone to talk to except my DWTX. The problem is, DWTX is not a girl… even though he’s willing to help, he wouldn’t understand what I’m going through. I need a female friend that’s about the same age and personality as me to talk to. Well, with my time schedule, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen while I’m in school. But a TV show I watched today kind of made me feel better (Oh my gosh, I just watched TV? For an hour? I can’t believe it!). The show tells stories about four teenage girls who’re figure skating athletes. Their lives are similar to mine. They spend most of their time on the ice. They don’t know anyone else except the skating people. But they keep practicing for the glory under the spotlight. They’re willing to sacrifice anything else for being a good skater. They never know when they’ll trip over during the jumps or when they’ll get a serious injury. They just keep practicing and waiting for the moment to shine on the ice.

So, I think I just need to keep in mind that I want to be a good architect, and keep moving. I will definitely move to the top of that hierarchy someday.