Ah...Those Days...

I’m really sleepy right now, so I’ll make it short today.

As I was digging through my old junks for some phone number of my relatives in California, I came across with the planner I used in my freshmen year (oh, and some stamps I thought I’ve lost for a long time). The planner was more like a diary for me. It was probably that time I started writing too. Maybe DWTX was right; digging through old stuff is fun. I was sitting on my bed, reading the journals and laughed at how a silly little girl I was that time. Well, I know I’m still in the process of getting more grown-up, but I realized my 18-22 was a big jump. I guess I was in such a hurry to experience everything new when I just came to US. I just got out of the protection of my parents and I thought I was ready to show how “able” I was. By the way, let’s just say that my parents was protecting me, even though I see it more like harm and humiliation now. When I was 18 or 19, I though I knew exactly what I want. I thought I understood everything, like the people and the relationships between them. I was trying to follow my feelings to make decisions everyday. But as I was reading my planner today, I actually saw a very confused girl in the writing. She couldn’t make up her mind if she just wanted some friends or she wanted a relationship. She went back and forth between her little thoughts, but couldn’t just back off few steps to see the big picture behind everything. For example, one day she thought she really hated this guy because he always made fun of her in front of her friends, the next day he got her back easily by giving her a wild flower he picked up on the sideway. Yes, she was silly, but she was only 19. After all the harsh lessons, she learned the difference between ideal and reality.

The journal on my computer has grown to 85 pages. Maybe this thing will just keep going till the day I stop thinking. These pages are very different from the few lines I wrote everyday on my planner. They are records of the development of my personality and the understanding towards love, family and career. Thanks you Lord, for giving me such a wonderful life and point me the direction when I was getting lost.