Keep Going, but How Far Can I Make It?

I’m so stressed out. Thanks giving holiday is coming soon, but I’m not happy with the break at all. I’m sure the days will pass so fast and dangerously I might not be able to finish my final presentation for studio. I’ll have a big test for building construction class tomorrow. I did lots of study but I’m still so nervous about it. I’m afraid it will be like the previous test of that class. The professor will ask bunch of stupid (as I’m typing this word, I typed it wrongly as ‘studio’..ahh! what am I thinking?!) questions and screw me up. After the test, I’ll have a Japanese Oral Performance test, which I haven’t really studied yet. I tried to read the sample dialog just now, but I kept spacing out. I got mad at myself and started to slap my face really hard. It hurts so much! But I still couldn’t concentrate. I went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I saw a ghost-like girl with ‘handprints’ on her cheek. It’s really light marks but I still can see it. Hopefully it’ll go away when I wake up tomorrow.

The slapping reminds me my mom. I remember when I got a bad grade in school and pissed her off, she would beat me really hard on my butt or arms. Sometimes there would be red marks left on my body. But I didn’t mind it that time. I thought they were as cool as tattoos. As time went by, I started to hate those memories more and more. I felt my mother humiliated me. But I couldn’t help imitating from her. I always get mad at myself because I thought I could do things better. Then, I started to ‘punish’ myself like my mother did. It didn’t make me feel better though. I just felt I dissevered the ‘punishment’.

My mother is a very smart and curious woman. But the problem is she only believes what she thinks the truth is and she has a really good memory only on ‘bad things’. That makes her so annoying to others and looks like a stupid woman who only has one nerve in her brain. I start to be afraid that I would be just like her one day. There’re things that keep bothering me and I just can’t get them out of my brain even though I tried so hard. I can forget about them for a while, but once I see something relating to them, it comes back to my mind again. Like those screen savers on the computer in the other bedroom, I feel they can make my blood flow backwards. But why, I ask myself, why bother? Can’t I just let others have their own lives? I’ve made ‘the other’ having nightmares. Haven’t I ruined enough? I feel so disgusting about myself. Sometimes I wish I could have some medicine for brainwashing… Or maybe I should just beat myself more…

My stomach is so empty. I don’t know if I would be able to fall asleep, but whatever… let’s just make a big bloody mess.